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JANE 



H jfarce in Zhvcc Ucte 



HARRY NICHOLLS and W. LESTOCQ 



Copyright, 1900, uy T. II. French 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

26 WEST 22D STREET 



London 
SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

PUBLISHERS 

89 STRAND 



1 



939 



Library of Congress 

Two Copies Received 
JAN 3 1901 

^ Copyright ei^try 

SECOND COPY 

Oeiivwred to 

0R06R DIVISION 

JAN 9 m\ 






JANE 



Produced at the Comedy Theatre, London, iSth December, iSgo. 



CHARACTERS. 

Charley Shackletoii Mr. C. H. Hawtrey. 

Mr. Kershaw Mr. H. Kemble. 

William Tii)son Mr. Charles Brookfield. 

Mr. Pixton Mr. E. M. Robson. 

Claude Master R. Saker. 

Jane Miss Lottie Venne. 

Mrs. Chad wick Miss C. Ewell. 

Lucy Norton Miss Ethel Mathews. 

Mrs. Pixton Miss Ada Murray. 

Act I.— Morning. Act II.— Afternoon. 
Act III. — Evening. 



SCENE— SHACKLETON'S ROOM. 



JANE 



ACT I, 




1. Hall backing; 2. Large oak cabinet with china, etc. 3. Stands 
with plants ; 4. Writing table witli date box, candlesticks, etc. ; 5. 
Fireplace ; 6. Doors ; T. Grandfather clock ; 8. Cliair ; 9. Elbow chair ; 
10. Screen for Shackletons change ; 11. Cabinet with nick-nacks, cigar 
boxes, books, plants, flowers, etc. ; 12. Heavj^ armchair ; 13. Sideboard 
with clothes brush on it ; 14. Small table with nick-nacks, including 
box of cigarettes and court guide ; 13. Table with bowl of flowers and 
three or four newspapers on it : 16. Settee ; 17. Interior backing ; 18. 
Small table with small plant on it. Large paper knife and matches in 
fancy stand. 



"JANE 



*> ? 



ACT I. 

SCENE— Bachelor Cliambers, handsomely furnished. 

Doors down R. and L. and<L.C.; fireplace across top R. 
corner of room. Music to taJce the curtain up). 

CLAUDE discovered looking into drawers at writing table. 
Comes down C and picks up newspaper on table R. 
and sits on settee L. CLAUDE is a pageboy not in 
livery. 

Claude — I ought to have found out sometliing about the 
governor and his affairs by this time, for I've been 
here ever since last night. Tliere's something a-goin' 
on, and that William the valet's in it. I believe he's 
a-goin' on with Jane the slavey. They're both gone 
out this morning, and William's given me 'arf-a-crovv-n 
not to say nothing about it {looks up from paper) — 
I won't unless I'm arst. But I slioidd like to know 
wliat's a goin' on ! Meal-times is the best to find out. 
'cos people talk Avhen they're eating. (Rends paper 
again.) No noos, not a prize fight nor nothing ! 

(jE-^^er WILLIAM C.) 

William — (Comes C.) — Now then, youncr feller, put down 
that paper. (Claude puts doivn paper on settee) — Do 
you know the front door was left open? 

Claude— Yus ! 

William— What's that for? 

Claude — (Rise) — Saves goin' to answer it every time ! 

William — (After an admiring pause) — This is not j^our 
first situation, I persoom? 

Claude — (Rise and go a. little L.) — No, I've been out 
before ! 

WiLLixVM — And you'll be out again pretty sharp, if jow 
don't watch it. Come now, move about — and don't let 



6 "JAXE." 

me "ave to tell you about it agen, or else there'll be a 
row. Dye hear? {Postman's knock.) Go and answer 
that : 

Claude — (Going np C.) — There, that's what I mean ! {Goes 
upC.) I've f^ot to go all that way on purpose. {At 
door) — Oil, William, you've got a lot to learn. 

{Exit sighing.) 

William — {Goes a little np C. after Claude, in a, rage) — 

Vv^'ell, of all the {Stops, turns, comes down again, 

having controlled, his temper). No. William, no! not 
to-day. Tills da}-, of all da3's, j'ou can afford to keep 
your temper, for you're married t(Uho girl of your "art. 
La-da-ili ! {Dancing — r.tops suddenly.) Stop^ though ! 
AVe must keep it (juiet for the present ; the Governor 
mustn't Icnow tliat I'm married to 1113- fellow servant, 
for when lie engaged me he says : '' You're not mar- 
ried, are you? 'Cos I don't want no married couples 
about vie f' 

(CLAUDE appears suddenly C.) 

Claude— Jane ! 

William— (^torf//7(/) —What ? 

Cl.\ude — Just come in ! 

W^illiaM — {Relieved) — Oh! Where is she? 

Claude — Gone to take off her things. {Confidentially, 
coming down) — I say, William, what's up ? 

AViLiJAM — {li.C.) — What do you mean? 

Claude — {L.C. a little np) — Where 'ave you two been to- 
getlier this morning? 

'WiiAAAM— {Through his teeth)— ^hwt up ! 

Claude — {Coming nearer and looking up knowingly) — 
You ain't gone and got married, liave you? 

William — {Turns on Claude suddenly, takes him by the coat 
and sJiakes^ him) — You young vagabond, I'll break 
every bone in your skin. {Business. 

Claude — {Freeing Jiiniself)— There, that'll do! I only 
asked for information. {Going up C.) But she's a 
nice girl, and I won't see her trifled with. {Ip at 
door C., turns.) Then I have your word that you are 
not married ? 

William— (Z?t'.s/c?e himself) — Confound ! {In a hoarse 
ivhisper) — No ! 

Claude— Good ! Then there'll be a cliance for me— {Will- 
iam runs up after him.) 

{Exit CLAUDE C.) 

William— (.4.S before)— Vll murder tliat {Turns, comes 

down as before) — No, William, no ! not to-day — on 
some future occasion. {Coming R.C.) Well, things 
are coming all right for us ! I've all but arranged to 
buy the milk-walk tliat we saw advertised — we've paid 
tlie deposit, and we've nearly got enough for the pur- 



"JANE/- 7 

chase money ; and when the Governor pays us our 
arrears of wages, we can plank it down and commence 
a life of unadulterated bliss — at least, as nearly una- 
dulterated as a milk walk will allow. La-da-di — {does 
a little tripping da nee up to C. door, and then he opens 
if, stops, looks ojf.)^ All! Here she comes! Bless 
her, she's a clever girl ! Now, who"d think to look at 
her that she was a married woman ? And she belongs 
to me ! {Comes doum, looks about nervously, and then 
shouts in a wliisper) — Hooray ! 

(WILLIAM is R.C. as Jane enters, after having 
looked at her admiringly for a second or tico, 
goes cautiously to Shackleion's door B., looking 
through keyltole, listens, (&e. Enter JANE 
very demurely, in cap. apron, dc, duster or 
dusting-brush. She commences dusting things 
on sideboard L., looking at William, icho is 
listening for a moment at Shackletoiis door R. 
He pantomimes '' all right!"" She puts doicn 
brush, they come C. and have a good hug, and 
then she resumes dustiiig business — all done 
very quietly.) 

Ja^e— {These first few speeches rather sotio voce) — We've 
managed it splendidly — haven't we ? 

William — Proper ! 

Jane — Master back yet ? 

William — I don't know — I should think so. 

Jane — {Comes L.C.) — I suppose he really would be annoyed 
if he knew ? — {Sits on R. arm of settee L.) 

WlLLlAM--(i^.C'.) — Weil, anyhow. Fin not going to risk it. 
I told you wliat he said when he engaged me — he's 
such a peculiar cove ! Although you and I really 
were strangers to each other before I came here, he'd 
never believe it ; he'd tliink we got into the place by 
fraud or something, so we must keep it quiet. 

Jane — (jR/sr)— .Quite right, dear. 

William — ( With enthusiasm) — Oh, don't ! You sliouldn't, 

really ! Oh ! I must {They get to C. and hug, then 

resume dusting. Jane goes down L., up L., then round 
to C.) — You've got your marriage lines, haven't you? 
— {Cutting newspaper.) 

Jane — Well, I should think so ! 

William — Don't vou think you'd better let me have 
tliem ? 

Jane — Certainh' not ! 

William— Well, let's have a look at them. 

Jane — {Comes C. 2i7r)ducing marriage certificate) — Here 
you are then — {William puts his arm roundher waist.) 

W"i'lia:.i— Ain't it lovely — {They look at each other, an' 



8 "JANE." 

sigh sentimentally) — to think that that little bit of 

paper makes 3^011 and me — er — ours — it's like a picter, 

ain't it ! We'll have it framed in the shop, darling ! 
Jane — I think not, dearie ! 
William— Oh, gracious, jon shouldn't — {Hugs her. When 

he is hugging her he sees the wedding ring) — Here, look 

here, j'-ou musn't wear this. 
Jane — But I'm proud of it. 
William— But people will suspect you. 
Jane — Oh ! very well, I'll take it off ! 
William— (Sfer?o?<sZ7/)— Well, it had better be done, of 

course, but I don't half like it. It's so imlucky, you 

know. 
Jane — {Looking round cautiously) — You superstitious 

goose ! {Kisses him. ) 

{Enter CLAUDE tcifh letters C. ; they confusedly 
retire ; WiUiani cuts papers, arid Jane resumes 
dusting. ) 

Claude — {Aside at door) — There is something going on ! 

Jane — (L.) — What do you want? 

Claude — {Coming down) — Here's master's letters. 

WlLLlAM--(i^. Sharply) — Take them to him, then i 

Claude — He ain't back from his ride A^et. 

William — Then put 'em down. {Goes to R. with new'sjKqyer 
and paper knife. ) 

Claude — (C. mildly) — Don't you address me like that, 
William. I am not to be drove! 

William — If you give me any of your {Goes up to fire- 
place and pids paper on seat). 

Jane — Hush, William, don't speak to the boy like that. 

Claude — See ? There's tlie difference ! Do 1J021 ask me to 
put 'em down ? 

Jane — Yes, I do, Claude. (Smiling at him.) 

Claude — (^.9 he goes to table R.) — How can I refuse? 
{Puts letters on table R.H., goes up C.) {At door) — 
Jane, you are a daisy, and I think we shall cotton on ! 
{William, from fireplace, runs across to Claude, icith 
paper knife in his hand.) 

(Exit CLAUDE C; Jane laughs.) 

W^ILLIAM — {Tln-ows paper knife on umting table) — Don't 
you be surprised to hear that something's happened to 
that boy before long. {Comes down C.) 

Jane — {Tickling his face u-ith dunting brush) — Never mind 
him. {Crosses R. ; looks at letters on table R.) I 
wonder if there's any bad news for master this morn- 
ing. 

WiLiA AM.— {Coming down Z.C)— It'll be a novelty for him 
if there ain't ; he'll feel as if there's something wrong. 



"JANE." 9 

(Sits on sofa L., and Jane goes to dust sideboard B.) I 
never knew a man in such a state of hardupishness in 
all 7ny )3orn days ! And the life he leads ! Night after 
night — and him engaged to be married, too ! Upon 
my word I think his sweetheart, Miss Norton, ought 
to be told about it. If she knew of his goings on 
she'd 

Jane— (^f sideboard E., turning and spealdng over slioid- 
der) — I suppose you've gone on in your time, haven't 
you ? 

William — Never I 

Jane — {Comes C.) — William, don't commence your mar- 
ried life with falsehood ! 

William — Oh, come. I say— ( Rising quickly and coming C.) 

Shack. — {Heard off C. calling) — William ! 

William— (7u answer to Shack.) — Sir! (To Jane) — Don't 
you flatter yourself as youVe married a man with a 
romantic ].;isr. 

Shack.— ( O//: )— William ! 

William— ( To Shack. ) —Sir ! 

Jane — Well, I don't care about your past, dear, it's the 
present is all as concerns me. 

William — So it does me. Give us another kiss ! 

Jane — Can't, here's master. {Goes dozen E., then up E.j 
and dusts, <&c.) 

(Enter SHACK. C. in riding hoots and. breeches; 
comes down E., followed by Claude a few sec- 
onds after, so as to turn Jdmself properly to 
door for his laugh, and not icait about evi- 
dently for his cue.) 

Shack. — {As he ivalks doivn to E.) — William I 

William — Sir ! 

Shack. — Why on earth don't you answer me? 

William — I have answered you. sir ! 

Shack.— Well, what's the good of that—{C. in front of 
table E. ) 

CI.AVDK— {At back C.)— Hal ha! ha! (They both turn 
suddenly — Claude subsides', and. sneaks out C.) 

Shack. — That's the new boy, isn't it ? 

William — Yes, sir ! 

Shack.— He must be made to keep his place. {Sits E. of 
table C.) 

William— (^4s2de)—Ke'll lose it, if I can help him ! 

Shack. — Give me my letters. 

( WilJiam gives him letters, then turns and kisses 
his hand to Jane, who exits C.) 

(Eeads) — "Sir, unless" {Tliroiis it on the table, 

opens another, reads) — "Sir. we are very much sur- 
prised " {Throws it on table). 



lo "JANE." 

William — (Picks it up and looks at it) — You haven't paid 
them, have you, 8ir ? 

Shack. — (Opens another)— ''^\v, we should be very much 

obliged" (Opens another, and reads) — ''Dear sir, 

would you kindly officiate as steward of a fancy dress 
ball at the Freemasons' Tavern ? " No, I won't. An- 
swer that, William. Say I won't. 

William— Give any reasons, sir? 

Shack. — I leave that to you. 

William — Very good, sir. (Looks at letter). Rather in- 
fluential list. I think I'd better send your name in, 
sir. 

Shack. — Oh, all right. (Reads) — "Dear sir, I do beg of 
you to have a little on ' Truthful Tommy ' to-morrow. 
He is sure to win. He is something out of the com- 
mon." See to that, William. 

William — Yes, sir ; I'll put you on a tenner each way. 

(Pause.) 

Shack. — From Mr. Plershaw ! (Reads it to himself, gives 
a low u'histle. Rise. William goes up to fireplace, 
brings newspaper dotrn. Crosses L.) This means 
ruin I (Suddenly to Williani, icho is C.) Do you V:ear? 
Ruin ! I am ruined. 

William — Any more than usual, sir? 

Shack. — (Grosses R.) — It isn't the confounded money 
that's troubling me 

William— It never has. sir. 

Shack — (Goes up to jireplacc) — It's another affair this 
time ! 

William — May I ask v/hat other affair, sir ? 

Shack. — Look here, William, you know all about my af- 
fairs, debts, duns, etc., and all the rest of it; but 
there's one thing you ]ia,ve never known I 

William — And that is, sir? 

Shack. — That I'm a married man ! 

William — (Aside) — He's done it. too. (Aloud.) \'ou sur- 
prise me, sir. (Points to letter.) Your wife coming 
home sudden, sir ? 

Shack. — That's it. I wish .she would, but I liaven't got a 
wife ! 

William— Then she can't, can she ? 

Shack. — Novv-, William, you know I've got an enormous 
respect for your powers of invention. 

William — Thank you, sir ! 

Shack. — Sits on arm of chair in front of fireplace, and 
faces William, who is L. C. facing him) — This is my 
position : An old aunt died some years ago, leaving 
me all her money, but with these conditions — that I 
was not to liave any of it unless I married and settled 
down. Immediately ou doing that, I was to have 



"JANE." II 

£1,000 a year, and five years after marriage I was to 
inherit the principal. You understand ? 

William — Yes, sir. 

Shack. — About three years ago, being frightfully in debt, 
I wrote to my trustee, a Mr. Kershaw, in "Cornwall, 
who has never seen me since I was a boy, that I was 
about to be married, but couldn't do so until my debts 
were paid. He paid tliem (and an awful sum they 
were !) Then I wrote him immediately, and told him 
I was married — 

William — And weren't you ? 

Shack. — Never ! 

William — (Aside) — He ain't done it. (Aloud) — Well, sir, 
wliat's the trouble now ? 

Shack. — (Comes C. a little) — Ah! Now this is where a 
gifted liar, like you, will come in. As you know, I 
owe a heap of money, and am being dreadfully pressed. 

William — You are, sir. 

Shack. — Well, I wrote to Mr. Kershaw and told him that 
my wife's extravagance had run me frightfully into 
debt, and requested some more money to get me out, 
of my difficulties ! 

William — And won't he part, sir ? 

Shack. — Yes, he will, but he's coming to town to-day, to 
lecture and remonstrate with my wife on her extrav- 
agance ! 

William— Ha, ha ! 

Shack. — Don't laugh like an idiot ; don't you see, he'll find 
the whole thing out ? 

William— Yes, I'm afraid you'll be locked up over 
this. 

Shack. — (In astonished alarm) — What! Think of some- 
thing I'm to do. (Goes doivn R.) 

William— No good, sir ! Facts, facts, that's what he'll 
want. 

Shack.— What do you mean ? 

William — The wife, sir — she's the fact ; and facts are 
stubborn things ! 

Shack. — Exactly ; you have come to the same conclusion 
as I. I must have a wife. 

William — (Musing and looks abstracted) — Yes, and I don't 
see where you are to get one between this and lialf- 
past ten. (Looks at ivatch.) 

Shack. — Oh, think of something, do ! (Goes up to fire- 
place. ) 

William — Weil, let's see exactly how you stand, sir. 
You're over head and ears in debt ? ( Ticking off on 
fingers. ) 

Shack. — I am. 

William — ^You're liable to be arrested at any moment? 



12 "JANE." 

Shack. — True. (Comes doivn R.) 

William — You've been obtaining money from your trustee 
under false pretences ? 

Shack. — (Goes C.)— I'm afraid so. 

William— You've presented yourself as a married man ? 

Shack. Yes. (Goes L.) 

William — (Ticking on fingers) — Then you're a bit of a 
liar yourself, sir, ain't you ? 

Shack. — (Turns quickly) — What ? 

William — Only want to see exactly how you stand, sir ! 

Shack — Well, what do you suggest? (Sits on sofa, L.) 

William — I think you're in for it, sir. 

Shack.— How ? 

William — You may get out of the arrest for debt, but 
they're sure to run you in for the false pretences ! 

Shack. — That's nice. (Rises and crosses R.) Can't you 
think of something? 

William — (Miisimj) — I can't think of anything. (Sud- 
denly brightens iqj.) I've got it. Marry Miss Norton 
this morning. 

Shack.— ((7oe.s- up i^.)— What rot ! Hov.- can I do that ? 

William — It's one way out of it. Hold hard, sir, here's 
another way. Ask Miss Norton to pretend to be your 
wife for twenty-four hours. 

Shack. — Good heavens, no ! She would never do such a 
thing as that — (Comes doirn R.) 

William — Wouldn't she now ? Some girls are so particu- 
lar. What about her old aunt, Mrs. Chadwick, sir? 
She wouldn't mind. 

Shack.— Perhaps not. But J should. 

William— Tliis isn't the time to pick and choose ; you 
can't afford it, sir. Besides, from what I've seen of 
her, I think she's a little bit gone on you. You could 
easily marry her afterwards. 

Shack. — (Coming to him) — Look here, William, I've 
asked you to show me a way out of my troubles, not 
to lead me into greater ones. 

William — I tliink it would put matters right. 

Shack.— (G^oes a little R.)—Oh. ! Fancy being tied to that 
old woman for life. (Turns to William) — Place your- 
self in my position. Now% if you were a married 
man 

\NiiAAKM— (Starting)— Eh ? 

Shack — Which j'-ou are uot. 

^iiAAKiii— (Relieved)— 0\\ ! 

Shack. — But suppose you ii^ere — (Goes upR.) — Would you 
not have chosen one about your own age — some one 
with good looks, neat figure, and all that sort of thing ? 

William — (Complacently) — I think it's very likely I 
should, sir. Ha ! ha ! ha 1 



"JANE." 13 

Shack. — Wlmt are you laughing at ? 

William — Nothing, sir. Only fancy me married, sir. 
Ha ! ha ! 

Shack. — Well, it does seem absurd, doesn't it ? 

William— Oh, redikerlous, sir. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

^UA.CK.— {Suddenly)— Bxxt come, let's think what's to be 
done. 

William — J can't think of any thing more, sir, unless you 
borrow someone else's wife. 

Shack. — That's not a bad idea — {Sloicly) — But it's an im- 
possible one — (Comes C.) 

William — Indeed, sir. 

Shack — I must have a wife. Would anyone believe that 
in a civilized country — (Goes doicn L.) — in the 19th 
centurj^, a man could be driven to distraction for the 
want of a little thing like that? 

William— (Ta/i:es Shackletons hat, stick, and gloves off 
table R. Then goes iip C.) — Yes, sir. absurd, ain't it ? 
Some people 'as one, and don't want her, and you want 
one and can't get her ! Ha ! ha ! 

Shack. — (Turns on William angrily) — Don't stand grin- 
ning there ! (William tyrns to go C.) Can you or can 
you not suggest anything ? 

William — (Suddenly and excitedly at door C.) — Yes, I've 
an idea ! 

Shack.— Well ? 

William — Y^ou must have a wife ? 

Shack. — Y"es ! 

William— Go to Whiteley's ! (Exits C. hurriedly.) 

Shack. — (Quietly) — I shall have to get rid of William. 
(Crosses R. and sits R. of table R.) Let me face the 
thing. (Reads letter) — " M3' dear Charles, I cannot 
say liow pained — (of course he's pained) — I dare say 
that the money j^ou want can be managed, but before 
making any such arrangements I must see your wife, 
place matters properly i)e fore her, and she must clearly 
be made to understand that she must reform and re- 
trench. For this purpose I shall come to London to- 
morrow, and will come to you at once. — Y^ours sin- 
cerelj" — Michael Kershaw." Yes. there's no doubt 
about it — the crisis has come, and it must be met ! 
(Leans on table R.) If I could but tide over the next 
four and twenty hours and produce a wife, the old 
gentleman would go back home perfectly satisfied, but 
where can I find one? How? (Head on his hand in 
thought.) 

(CLAUDE enters.) 
Clavde— (Announcing)— Miss Norton and Mrs. Chadwick. 



14 "JANE." 

Miss NORTON comes in C. eagerly, and is at back 
of table R. arrested by Shackleton's attitude of 
despair; Mrs. CHADWICK goes down L.) 

Lucy — {As she enters) — Charley, dear — {stops). Why, 
what's the matter? 

Mrs. C. — {Down L.) — You don't seem overjoyed at seeing 
us. 

Shack. — {Rises vtery miserably and comes round to back of 
table R. to Lucy) — I never felt so delio^hted in my 
life! How are you? . . . {Pause.) What do you 
want ? 

Mrs. C. — Well, I never did ! 

Lucy — AVhy, Charley, have you forgotten that you prom- 
ised to take us to the Academy to-day ? 

Shack. — (Goes doicn R.~aside) — Oh, Lord ! {Aloud) — 
Forgotten ! Can j^ou think that of me ? 

Mrs. C. — Well, here we are ! 

Shack. — {Goes up to Lucy, absently) — Yes, here you are ! 
{Takes Lucy's hand solemnly. To 3Irs C.) Good-bye. 
{Goes down R.) 

Both— What ! ! 

Shack. — No! I beg jour pardon, I mean — sit down! 
(3/rs. C. sits on sofa L.) 

Lucy — {Tearfully) — But aren't you going to take us 
there ? 

Shack.— (.4s/"de)— How can I get out of it ? {Aloud)— Yow 
see it's a half-crown day. {Goes up R. a little.) No, 
no, I don't mean that. {Wildly) — Ha! lia ! {Down 
R. Lucy crosses to J/rs. C. , ivho rises ; they stand in 
front of sofa. ) 

Mrs. C. — {Rises) — Whatever is the matter with you? 

Shack. — {With a sickly smile) — I'm all right. 

Mrs. C. — {To Lucy) — The life he's leading is beginning to 
tell on liim ! {Coming to Shackleton, who is R. of table 
R., she is L. of table) — You know you ought to be mar- 
ried. 

Shack. — {Comes to her) — Yes ; that's just it — you're quite 
right — J oztr;/i^ to be, but I'm not. . . . 

Lucy — {L.C. simply) — Why are you not, dear? 

Mrs. C. — {R.C.) — Lucy, how can you be so forward? 

Shack. — {R.) — Forward — nonsense! {Crossing to C.) 
She's quite right ! 

Mrs. C.—(i^.)— Quite right? 

Shack. — (C) — Yes, she is, and I say to her, as she to me-~ 
(Solemnly) — Wliy are you not? — {Goes up C.) 

Lucy — {Aside) — How strange he is. Aunty ! 

Mrs. C. — {Aside) — My dear, I'm afraid it's early drinking ! 

Shack. — {Suddenly coming down C.) — I know — Lucy — 
why should we not be each otlier's, to-day^ — this hour 
— at once ! At any rate, before 10.30. 



«'JANE/' 15 

Lucy— (C)— Charley— what is the matter— are you going 

to be ill? " , • .1 • 

Shack.— I//.? ill 9 No— on the contrary— be mine tins 

morning, and all will be icell !—{Goes down R.) 
Lucy— (To il/rs. e.)— Aunty, it's his brain. ... 
Mrs. C— Nonsense— his brain— (Goes C. to her)— no such 

thing. . , . 

Shack.— (To Lite?/)— Do you know any thmg about mar- 
riage licences? Can we get a licence at the Pobt 
Office ? 

Mrs. C— (Crossing to Shack.)— B.o\v dare you treat my 

niece in this way ! , , , x ^1 . a i ? 

Shack.— (.45se?iiZ?/)—AVhat way? (Suddenly)— Oh I Ah! 

I see what you mean— dogs— guns. • • • , , 

LUCY-It's too bad! (Goes up C.) I shall go home! 

(Mrs. C. goes L. h7j end of sofa. Shack, goes up R. to 

door C, stops Lucy and louts her in chair at writmg 

Shack.— No, don't, we won't go to the Post Office— I've got 
a pal of mine close by, he's a splendid fello^v^ 1 10 
Archbishop of Canterbury- I'll look him out in the 
book. (Goes doicn to small table L. against flat and 
looks at Court Guide.) You ivill marry me this morn- 
ing? (Extreme L.) 

I^UCY— Charley dear, be calm— why this sudden • • • 

Shack.— (Still preoccupied and looking through Court 
GiticZe)- Will you marry me this morning ? . - - 

Mrs. C.—{Who is on Shackleton's R., simpering)— \\ eii, 
really • 

Shack.— (LooA:.s' up from hook)— ^o— no— not you. (Pnts 
her aside as he crosses her and goes up C. to Lucy)— 
Will you marry me this morning ? ^ • i 

Ujcy— (Crosses down L. to Mrs. C. indignantly)— Certamiy 

Shack.— Then you don't loye me. (Comes down C.) 

Lucy— (C)— Oh ! How can you be so cruel ! 

Sh\CK— (.Lside)- Yes, I ought to be kicked, I know it— 
hnt— (Aloud)— Yow don't understand. (Goes down R.) 
Of course you wouldn't ... ,r o, 1 i 

Mrs. C— (Crossing to C.)— Now, look here, Mr. Shackle- 

Sk^ck.—(R. of table, S2:)eaks across it)— Oh ! Go home ! 
Mrs. C— Sir ! 

Shack. — No, I don't mean that-^ — . 

Lucy— Yes, you did, you v.-ant to be rid of us. (Going. 

At door, half crying with vexation. ) 
Shack.— No, Lucy \—(Goes up to her, Mrs. C. goes down 

Lucy— Yes. you do ! And I shall go at once, I'm ashamed 
of you ! (Exit C, slamming door.) 



i6 "JANE." 

Shack.— (^4^ C. door)— That's entirely owing to William. 

Done more harm than good there, I knew I should. — 

Confound William and his suggestions. {Comes down 

L. and'2mts Court Guide on table L. Goes e,rtreme L. 

and 2^eruses Kcrshaiv's letter, which he has never put 

out of his hand.) 
Mrs. C. — (Aside) — I'll have an explanation from this 

young gentleman. (Aloud) — Mr. Shackleton. . . . 
Shack. — (Aside down L.) — Hullo ! the old lady's still here t 

(Suddenly) — Another of William's ideas ; I wonder if 

she u'ould f 
Mrs. C— Mr. Shackleton. 
Shack. — (Comes C. insinuatingly) — Call me Charley ! It 

sounds nicer from you . . . 
Mrs. C.—Oh ! the ailful boy! He doesn't care for her after 

all. He has driven her away — Oh ! can it be that ? 
Shack. — (Comes to her R. insinuatingly, and touches her 

gently on arm) — Have you never thought of marrying 

again ? 
Mrs. C.—(R. com2Jlacently.)—Oiten. 
Shack. — (R.) — Then why haven't you? 
Mrs. C. — (Coyly) — No one has asked me ! 
Shack. — You surprise me — you'd make an excellent wife ! 
Mrs. C — I'm sure I should. (Turns to him romanticcdly.) 
Shack.— (Ear nestlij)— Be mine. 
Mrs. C. — (Suddenly sinks in his arms, ^mts her head on 

his R. shoidder) — Oh, Charley. 
Shack. — For the next twenty-four hours. 
jMrs. C. — What? (Looking up at him.) 
Shack. — (Putting her head down again on his shoidder) — 

Lie still i^retty one, lie still ; only for four and twenty 

hours. 
Mrs. C. — ( Releases herself) — Sir, never ! 
Shack.— (Crosses L.) — Well, perhaps you're right. AVe 

shouldn't get on together. (Goes up C.) 
Mrs. C. — (In a passion. Comes C.) — You disgraceful young 

man. (Angry) — How you could have dared . . . 
Shack. — (Coolly) — Yes, looking at it calmly I wonder how 

I (Comes doum R.C.) could have dared, even for four 

and twent)^ hours. 
Mrs. C. — (Crosses L. as he conies R.C. Aside) — Is he mad 

or tipsy, or what is he ? 
Shack. — (Crosses to her) — You don't know the trouble I'm 

in. I shall have to disappear . . . (Takes her hand 

earnestly. ) 
Mrs. C— Disappear ! 
Shack. — For a time, till all has blown over, but don't you 

worry; tell Lucy (Crosses R.) I disappeared thinking 

of her. Good-bye, I'm off. . . . 

(Exits hurriedly R.D.)^ 
* XcTE. — Shackleton has onlv three miautes for chan^^e of clothes 



"JANE." 17 

Mrs. C— Tliere is something radically wrong ; if I could 

but help him, have some claim upon his gratitude, I 

might yet be mistress of his heart and home. (Turns.) 

(Enter WILLIAM C, he arranges mat at door C.) 

Oh ! Good-morning, William. 

William— Good-morning, ma am. (Crosses at back and 

goes to door E. ) 
Mrs. C— (Aside, crosses C.)—l might get something out 
of hi7n. (Aloud)— There seem to be nice goings-on in 
this house. 
William— (iV(?>'yo2r.sZ//)— Lor, mum, what do you mean? 

(Advancing in front of table totvards C.) 
Mrs. C. — Your master appears A'erv strange in his manner ? 
^YlLL.IAM— (Relieved)— Vm afraid lie do, mum ! 
Mrs. C— (Conies nearer to him)— ISiow, AVilliam, tell me, 

what is it all about ? 
William— No, I durstn't, mum ! 

Mrs. C.— I would do anything to lielp him ! (Gives Wil- 
liam half a sovereign.) 
W11A.IAM— (Looks at it, pids it quickly in his pocket)— 
Would you, mum ; icould you ? Look here, mum— he 
is m trouble, because he's passed himself off as a 
married man, and he's got to prove it ! 
Mrs. C— To wliom ? 

William— To Mr. Kershaw, his trustee, wlio's coming to 

town to-day. If he don't prove it, he'll have to refund 

all the money he's received, and very likely stand a 

chance of losing what's to come to him. 

Mrs. G.— What's to be done ? 

William— Couldn't you get your niece to say she's his 

wife? 
Mrs. C— Certainly not ! (Goes L. William folloivs her 

up a little. ) 
William— (A little i niplor in gly)— It will only be for four 
and twenty Jiours. Tlie old gentleman goes home to- 
morrow, perhaps to-night ! 
Mrs. C. — (Turns) — But your master is going awav. . . . 
William— (A.s^o/i?'s7iecO— Is lie, mum ? 
Mrs. C— He told me so just now— till all has blown over, 
lie said. (William goes up B.C. a little. Aside)— 
Wliy should not I undertake it? Four and twenty 
hours of pretence might make me his in reality for 
life. Oh, bliss ! 
William— Beg pardon, mum ! 

Mrs. C— (A.szde)- 1 will! (Aloud— Goes up C.)— Tell 
your master I'll be back soon— that he is not to worry 
himself, for he is saved. 
William— I'll mention it to him, mum. 

(Exit Mrs. CHADWICK C.) 
William— Oh ! So he's saved, is he ? 
2 



i8 "JANE." 

{Ente7- JANE L. Comes C.) 
Shall I break the news to him now, or — (Hugs Jane) — 
My darling ! 

Jane — (Rejjrovingly) — Be careful, William ! 

William — Why should I? 

Jane — (Reprovingly) — You keep rumpling anybody so. 

William — What of it — you're mine, ain't you? 

Jane— (^ little irritated) — Yes, but we don't want every- 
body to know it. 

AVilliam — (Getting cross) — Oh, let 'em know it — i don't 
care ! 

J A^E— (Severely) — AVilliam ! 

William (Angrily) — Jane ! 

Jane — Are jon going to begin so soon ? 

William— What do you mean ? 

Jane — Do you wish to break my heart on tliisour wedding 
morn ? 

William — No, ducky, not if I can help it. 

Jane — (Tearfully) — ^But you will do so, if you don't take 
care ! 

William — Good gracious ! How ? 

Jane — If master knew tliat we was married he'd be glad 
of the excuse to send us away without our wages, and 
that — all ! Y^es — tliat would break my heart ! (Sobs 
a little on his breast.) 

William — (Soothingly pats her head) — You're too sen- 
sitive ! 

Jane — (Sentimentally looking np at him) — Think of our 
milk- walk, darling ! 

William— I do ! But I can't be always thinking of it ! 

jAiVE — Y^ou must ! It is all we have to live for?"( GoesL.) 

William — (With emotion) — Don't say that, Jane. Surely 
there's other things in the world besides milk- 
walks. . . . 

Jane — (Earnestly) — Not for me — no, not for us ! It must 
be our constant thought by day, the subject of our 
dreams by night. Waking or sleeping it must gnaw 
our very heart-strings ! 

William— (Jlce/tZz/)— Oh. very well, Jane ! 

Jane — Now, go, William! (William goes vp C.) We 
shall be bound by a closer tie than tliat of love — a 
milk-walk ! So, William, be brave — remember, this 
is our wedding day ! (Crosses B.) 

Wii.i.iA'M— (Dejectedly at door C.)— It island I never felt 
so damned miserable in all mv life ! 

(ExitC.) 

Jane — (Crosses and sits on sofa and loolis at newspaper) — 
Ha ! ha ! ha ! Poor fellow, that's the only way with 
liim! If he were left to himself he'd let the whole 
thing go ! But that won't do for you, Jane. 



"JANE." 19 

(Enter SHACKLETON R.D. Jane ibises quiddij, 
crumples up and puts neii'spaper doum and 
goes up L. a little. He urdches her, he has 
umbrella, tall hat in his hand ; in the hat he 
has flower and clean handkercMef. He is 
faultlessly dressed, frock coat, &c.) 

Shack. — You are very busy ! 

Jane — Ye no, sir ! I'm not doing much .... 

811ACK. — So I should say. [Pids umbrella andhat on table 
R.) See if you can't find something to do. 

Jane — (Resumes dusting) — Yes, sir ! (Goes up L. Takes 
clotJtes brush ojf sideboard. ) 

Shack. — (Aside, goes up C.) — It's no use ! I can't stand 
it. (Jane crosses at back and comes doum R. of table 
R.) There's only one thing to do. I must bolt! 
(Comes doum C.) I must fly the country, and imme- 
diately ! I go, an alien, and an outcast ! (Jane turns 
hat over and empties fiower and handkerchief on to 
table.) (Aside.) A fugitive from justice! (Jane 
gives him his hat.) (Aside as he puts hat o/?)— With- 
out a shelter for my head \—{to Jo??e)— Umbrella, 
Jane ! (Jane gives him umbrella.) — Thank you. Jane 
(leans on umbrella, aside), reckless, careless, negligent ! 
(Jane brnsJies Sliackleton .)—T:\mn\i you. Jane. (Aside.) 
I have sunk so low that I leave without a pang- 
without a tear! (Jane gives him his handkerchief 
and goes to his left to put flower in his bidton-liole.) I 
leave my native land, unwept, unhonoured. uncom- 
fortable. (His eye falls on Jane, who is pidting a 
flower in his button-hole, L. ^/oitd.)— Unmarried ! 

Jane — (Starting back a little) — Sir? 

Shack. — What's the matter ? 

Ja^b— (Confusedly)— I thougiit you were referring to me, 
sir? 

Shack.— No ; I was speaking principally about myself for 
the moment. 

Jane — You quite startled me ! 

Shack.— Does the idea of marriage startle you ? Ah I 
you'll be married some day, I suppose. 

Jane— I shouldn't wonder, sir ! 

Shack. — You're sure to, a good-looking girl like you (in 
an absent-minded icay he jmts his arm 7^ound her icaist) 
could not remain single for long. . . . 

Jane — Really, sir, you mustn't. 

Shack.— He' will be a happy man who will some day call 
you his 

Jane — I hope he'll do more than call me his, sir. 

Shack. — I hope so ! (Flourislies umbrella.) A man would 
be a scoundrel who would — (stojis umbrella in the air 



CD "JANE." 

goefi doiim i^.)— a»<i ye* I wanted to do the very same 

thing myself this morning ! 
Jane — Do what, sir ? 

Shack. — Call a lady my wife when she wasn't ! 
Jane — (L.C.) Good gracious, what for? 
yHACK. — For famil}' reasons. {Comes to her.) You see, 

Jane, Mr. Kershaw, my trustee, is coming to-da}-, 

and he thinks I'm married — and when he finds I'm 

not, I shall be ruined, broke, absolutely stoney I 

(Turns away R.) 
Ja^e— (Reflectively)— How annoying ! (Suddenly) —How 

about our wages ? 
^KXCK.— (Turns to her) Ah \—Tliafs what's ivorrying me! 
Shack.— (G^oes doicn R.) — If she had only consented all 

would have been well, but it was not to be ! 
3 x^E— (Follows him up) — If wlio had consented, sir? 
Shack. — Mrs. Chadwick ! 
Jane— (IFiY/i sympathy goes C.) — I never did like that 

woman. 
Shack. — If I had asked her to be really my wife one 

could have understood it — but to pretend that's all I 

asked. 
Jane — It's perfectly ridiculous ! Haven't you tried any- 
one else, sir? (Crosses to sofa L. and folds neu'S- 

paper up. ) 
Shack. — (Extreme R.)—\ can't think of anyone else — I 

know no one who would. (Suddenly, brightening up 

— goes to her.) By Jingo ! Would 7jou9 
Jane — (Quietly) — Would I irhat, sir? 
Shack. — Pretend to be my wife for a few hours. (Jane 

screams. He catches her in his arms quickly to quiet 

her.) Hush ! it's all right. I'd make it worth your 

while. I owe you money now, but it will enable me 

to pay up, and'l'U give you fifty — a hundred pounds 

besides. 
Jane — Oh, I couldn't, sir ! 
Shack. — You're not engaged to be married, are you ? 

(Turns away R.) 
Jane — No, I am (Shack, twns to Iter quickly) not engaged 

to be married. 
Shack. — That's all right. Tlien I shan't have anybody's 

jealousy to fear. (Goes down R.) 
Jane — (Aside. Goes L.) — Except William's, perhaps ; but 

what's that to a hundred pounds and arrears of 

wages — I'll do it. (Comes C.) I'll do it. 
Shack. — (Comes to her a7id attempts to embrace her) — 

Darling ! 
Jane — (Puts her hand up and stops him) — Wait a minute, 

let's understand each other. All that sort of thing is 

only to be before other people ? 



"JANE." 21 

Shack. — Quite so ; but we must have a little practice ! 
Jane — Oh, no ; it will come naturally tome. (Goes L., 

then conies C.) 
Shack. — Oh, that's all right! {Goes E., then comes C.) 

Now, what's the first thing to do ? You'll want some 

dresses, and all that sort of thing. Mr. Kershaw be- 
lieves my wife to be a most extravagant sort of 

person. 
Jane — Oh, you slian't complain ! 
Shack. — {Satiricolly) — Thanks ! 
Jane — Oh, yes. We must do the thing well while we're 

about it. 
Shack. — Who will you go to ? Cressey and Portier. Kate 

Riley, Peter Robinson, Swan and Edgar, Russell and 

Allen. 
Jane — (Enthusiast icallij) — Oh, to all the lot of them ! 
Shack. — (Sarcastically) — You are entering into the spirit 

of the thing ! 
Jane — Where extravagance in dress is concerned we must 

liave no half measures ! 
Shack. — Certainly not. 
Jane — I suppose tliey will give you credit ? 
Shack. — Sure to, if the order is big enough ! 
Jane — I shall want some jewelltjry. 
Shack. — Of course ; after that meet me at Henrj^ Lewis', 

in Bond Street. 
Jane— Now, how are we to behave — (Sits on sofa L. and 

puts off Jane, assuming his equal.) In the first place, 

how long have we been married ? 
Shack. — (Looking a little surprised at her coolnes>i} — Three 

5'ears. 
Jane — Then we'd better liave a quarrel or tw^o, it will give 

colour to the thing. 
Shack.— Very well ! 
Jane — And you must "snap me up," and contradict me, 

and complain of everything. 
Shack. — (Coining toivards her) — Is all that quite neces- 
sary ? 
Jane — Yes, we've been married three years. Then we 

luust make friends again. 
Shack. — (Sits beside her, on R. arm of sofa L.) — And 

spoon — ? 

Jane — Perhaps ! And I'll call you Charley 

Shack. — (.4. little startled) — Eh ? Is that necessary ? 
Jane — Of course it is, Charley ; and you must do the same 

to me. 
Shack. — (Absently) — What, call you Charlej^ ? 
Jane — No, Jane ! No, after all I think Jenny would be 

better ! 
Shack. — (Aside, rising and going R.) — Tliis is nice ! 



22 "JANE." 

Jane — Do you hear, Charley ? 

Shack. — (Turns) — Yes, Jane. (A little desjyondently.) 

Jane — (Rises a7id comes C — ivith severity) — What did I 
tell you ? 

Shack. — (As before) — I beg pardon, Jenny. 

jA^E—{SarcasticaUi/) — Oh! You are entering into the 
spirit of the thing ! 

Shack. — I'm trying, I'm tr'ying ! 

Jane — Yes, you are, very ! I shall throw it all up if you 
don't do what I tell you better than this ! 

Shack. — (Aside) — Well, here goes for the plunge ! (Alond) 
— My darling Jenny, I must kiss you ! (Goes to her to 
do so. ) 

Jane — Ah! That's better — but not now. (GoesL.) I think, 
perhaps, if at some time I sobbed on your breast it 
would be A'ery effective. Ho^v are we for height ? 
(Beckons to him, he comes to her; they stand close to- 
gether L. C.) I think you'll have to sit down while I 
sob on your breast. (Shaclx;. goes JR. a little. Jane 
goes L. a little.) Now I'll be off. (Goes C.) I'll be 
at the jeweller's as soon as possible. Meet me there, 
and I'll select what I want — leave that part of it also 
to me. 

Shack. — (Going 2ip to her) — What an excellent wife you 
would make ! 

Ja^-e— (Pertly)— Think so ? 

Shack. — (Taking her hand) — It never struck me. 

Jane — (Snatching it aicay and donbiing fist) — It will if 
you're not careful. (Goes up a little.) 

Shack. — (Getting away R.) — Look here, hang it all, you 
know ; don't speak to me like that. Let's have a Utile 
flirting. 

Jane — No, I'm your wife. . . . (Coming down a Utile 
C.) " To oblige on this occasion only." . . . And 
if you commence any nonsense all will be over be 
tween us. 

Shack. — Yes, but still . . . (Crosses C.) 

Jane — This is quite a matter of business with me. You 
wish to pass me off as your wife — I consent — business ! 
We quarrel — business ! We make it up — business ! 
You then hold me sobbing to your heart — I murmur 
gentle words of reproach, you frantically kiss away my 
tears, we are clasped in each other's arms — business ! 
How do you like that ? 

Shack. — I think it's damn funny. 

Jane — (Goes L. a little) — That's all right. Now I'm going 
to— (Going up toicards C. door again) — put on my 
things and creep out of the house ! Wiien we meet in 
this room again — (without the slightest emotion) — we 
shall be all the world to each other. 



"JANE." 23 

Shack.— (Goes up to her, quietly) — Ducky! — (Both at 
door C.) 

Jane — Quite so — good-bye — my own Charley ! — (Chucks 
him under the chin. Shack, makes a moveme7it as if to 
kiss her. Jane puts hand up to stop him) — Business ! ! 

(ExitC.) 

Shack. — It's done, I'm out of my difficulties ! (Comes 
doivn L.) I wonder whether I'm right in giving ni}^- 
self away like this ? But what else can I do? As long 
as I get out of this trouble everything will come right. 
(Takes cigarette out of box on small table L.) Now, 
the old man will be here soon, so I'll get out before he 
comes and return with my bride. (Crosses to table 
R., takes up fancy match-stand about to strike match.) 

Mrs. C. — (Heard off) — Where is your master? 

Shack. — It's the old girl, 

(Enter CLAUDE C. Shows on Mrs. CHAD WICK.) 
Another reason why I should get outj 

(Mrs. C. comes on quickly, throiving her arms round 
Shackleton's neck from behind which bends htm 
down suddenly and he bangs match-box on table. ) 

Mrs. C. — Charles, you are saved ! 

Shack. — That's as well to know. (Tries to remove her 

arms. ) 
Mrs. C. — I have arranged it all. 
Shack. — To save me ? 
Mrs. C— Yes. 
Shack. — (Going doivn R.) — It's very nice of you, but I've 

a most particular appointment. 
Mrs. C. — You don't know what I mean. 
Shack.— No, do you? 
Mrs. C— Listen ! 
Shack. — (Goes up C.) — I can't ! (Mrs. C. clings to his coat 

tail as he passes her.) I really must request you to 

leave go ! 
Mrs. C. — Never ! 
Shack. — Confound ! (Shakes his coat tail out of her hand, 

releases himself, and rushes up C. Catches hold of 

Claude, icho has been gazing open-mouthed at tJie scene, 

but now is making haste to escape, flings him down L., 

kicking him, and rushes off C. ) 
Claude — Ow — w — w — ! 
Mrs. C. — (On chair R. of table R. crying) — Oh, oh ! This 

is dreadful ! 
Claude — (Rubbing himself and going up slowly towards 

door) — Oh, it's somethink awful ! 
Mrs. C. — This is a cruel blow. 



24 "JAXE." 

Claude — It ivas a shockin' blow. 

Mrs. C. — I'm not speaking to you, sir ; mind your own 
business ! 

Claude — {At door C. — rubbing himself and limping) — lam 
minding it ! 

(Sloidy exits C, limping.) 

Mks. C. — Oh, Charles, to spurn me like this. (Rises.) But 
you shall not break my heart. (Crosses C.) — I'll help 
you in spite of yourself, and if I do not win you (goes 
down L. ) it shall not be for w^ant of trying ! 

(Enter WILLIAM very miserably.) 

William — Jane! (Sees Mrs. C.) — I beg your pardon, 
mum ! (Goes to door B. and calls — 3Irs. C. comes C, 
looking at Jiim) — Jane ! Where are you? (Goes to L. 
door and calls) — Jane ! She's gone out ! There's 
something going on ! She's hiding something from 



me 



Mrs. C. — What's the matter with you 9 

William — (Coming C.) — Me, mum? Nothing! (Wildly) 
— Ha, ha! Jane! (Crosses R.) 

Mrs. C. — (on sofa L.) — Oh, bother, Jane ! You've noth- 
ing to do with her ! 

William— Oh, ain't I ? Think not? 

Mrs. C. — Now, listen to me. Did you give your master 
my message ? 

William — No, I hadn't a chance, mum ! 

Mrs. C. — That accounts for his behaviour, then. Now, 
William, I mean to carry out your suggestion, and 
lead Mr. Kershaw to believe that I am Mrs. Shackle- 
ton ! 

William — Oh. I hope vou'll succeed, mum ! 

Mrs. C— Why shouldn't I? 

William — Well, there's a little difference in yonr ages, 
mum ! But he's an old gentleman, and very likely 
near-sighted, so perhaps it'll be all right. 

Mrs. C. — (Rising, laith dignity) — Don't be personal, Wil- 
liam. 

William — No, mum ! 

Mrs. C. — (Goes a little to him) — You'll help me, William? 

William — I'll do my best, mum ! (Aside) — She's better 
than nothing at all ! 

Mrs. C. — Your master rushed out just now in a state of 
violent agitation ! 

William — Yes, I expect he's afraid to meet the old gentle- 
man. 

Mrs. C. — That's it ! He's gone ! This makes it easier for 
us ; see how grateful he will be to both of us for having 
arranged it in his absence ? 



"JANE." 25 

William (Aside, goes doivyi R.)—lt'fi peculiar — both a\vay 
at the same time — her treatment of me this morning — 
oh lor ! {Leans on chair R. of table.) 

Mrs. C. — Wliat is the matter witli you ? 

William — Nothing- at all. mum— {ivipes forehead)— Tm in 
a cold perspiration ! 

Mrs. C. — NoAv it is all arranged. What time will Mr. Ker- 
shaw be here ? 
(Bell ready.) 

{William goes up R. and looks at clock on mantel- 
piece.) 

AViLLiAM — He's about due now, mum ! 

Mrs. C. — Then you'd better show me somewhere, where I 
can leave my bonnet and prepare myself to receive 
him. 

William — Yes, mum. (Going down R. and opening door 
R.) As master's out you'd better go in his room. 

Mrs. C. — (Cross R. to R. door.) — This is a terrible step I 
am taking — but what will not a woman do for the man 
she — (sighs). Oh, William! 

(Exits R. ) 

WiLLiAM~(.-lf door) — Loves. I s'pose, she means ? (Comes 
R. ajid sits R. of table despondently.) It depends on 
who the woman is. Jane says slie loves me — nnd she's 
nearly drove me raving mad. (Bell rings. ) Oh , here's 
Mr. Kershaw, I expect. (Rises) Now for it. I don't 
know how all this is going to end, but it strikes me 
w^e're going to have some larks ! 

Claude shows on ]\Ir. KERSHAW C. 3ir. Kershcno 
enters icith, coat on arm, hat, stick. (S:c.; he is 
rather near-sighted and wears spectacles. 

Kershaw — (Rushing to William R.C. by table R.) — Ah ! 

my dear boy ; how^ are you, how are you? — (Shakes 

hands e^usively.) 
William— Only so, so — Thank you, sir — (aside) — AVhat a 

affable old gentleman ! 
Ker. — How- you've grown ! 
William— since when ? 

Ker. — Since I saw^ you last — since you were a boy ! 
William — Yes, I have grown since I was a boy, but I've 

never seen you before, sir ! 
Ker. — Never seen me before, Charley? 
YvlLLlAM—/ ain't Charley, sir ! 

Ker. — Not Ch Who the dickens are you, then ? 

William — I'm his man, sir ! 

Ker. — (TJirows him coat, stick, &c.) — Confound you— why 

didn't you saj- so before ? 
William — Didn't give me time, sir. 
Ker. — Well, where 's 3'our master? 



-5 "JANE." 

"WiLhiAM— (Aside) — I wonder wliere lie is ! He must have 
bolted ! Well, here goes ! (Aloud. ) He desired me to 
say that he was suddenly called away on most impor- 
tant business, but I was to ask you to sit down, and 
he'll be back in a few hours. 

Ker.— (Sits on sofa, L.)— That's very satisfactory. And 
where's his wife ? 

William — Oh ! AVe've got her right enough 

Ker.— Eh? 

AViLLiAM— I mean she'll be down in a minute ! 

Ker. — Oh, come, that's something ! 

William— Oh, it's everything ! 

Ker.— What? 

William — Will you take some refreshment, sir ? 

Ker. — No, I'll wait till your master comes home. 

WiLLiAM~(i2. .4side)— Poor old chap ! if he waits till then 
he'll be feeling a little faint. (Goes up. Aloud.) — 
Sure, I can't get you a drop of something, sir? 

Ker. — No, I tell you ! 

William— ((?ot'.s up towards door and tui-ns.) — You've 
never seen Mrs. Shackleton, I think, sir? 

Ker. — I have not. 

William — You'd better have a little drop of something, 
sir ! 

(Kershaw turns to him. WILLIAM exits C. quickly.) 

Ker. — What does he mean by that? Ought I to nerve 
myself for the interview? Charley tells me she is 
extravagant — wasteful. But is she any thing else ? She 
may fly at me. Upon my word, I am beginning to feel 
quite nervous. Why on earth did the boy go out ? 
But perhai>s it's as well ; I c^an speak to her alone, and 
remonstrate with her. It will be much better — much 
better, (Looks at newspaper.) 

(Enter Mrs, CUKD^WCKzvithout bonnet, etc., R.) 

Mrs. C. — He is there ! (Goes up R. as if to go.) Oh, dear ! 
I almost wish I (stojis and then comes C.) — but cour- 
age ! Hem ! 

Ker. — (Rising) I beg your pardon, madam. 

]\lRS. C— Mr. Kershaw, I think ? 

Ker. — The same ! 

Mrs. C. — Be seated. (Mrs. C. seats herself on sofa. Up 
stage.) 

Ker. — (Aside) — Seems a nice old girl. Wife's mother — I 
suppose (aloud) you are related to Mr. Shackleton, I 
presume, (Sits on sofa L. Downstage.) 

Mrs. C. — I er ^yes ! 

Ker. — (Aside) — I thought so! (play f idly), I am afraid I 
shall have to be very angry with your daughter ! 



"JANE." 27 

Mrs. C. — My daughter ! 

Ker. — There, there, don't be alarmed. I daresay I can fnit 
things right, but she's a sad little puss, isn't' she i* 

Mrs. C. — (Feebly) — I 1 don't know. 

Ker. — But I daresay she's very fond of him. 

Mrs. C— Who is ? 

Ker. — Your daughter. 

Mrs. C. — Fond of whom? 

Ker. — Charley. 

Mrs. C. — (Faintly) — I haven't a daughter. 

Ker. — I beg pardon. (Turns away L.) A tender subject. 
(Turns to her) — Your (/ra?id-daughter, probably ! 

Mrs. C— Sir ! 

Ker. — (Aside) — There's something wrong. (Rises. Aloud, 
bending ivell forward) — Did I not understand you to 
say that you were a relation of Charley's ? 

MrsI C. — I did say so. 

Ker. — (Alarmed) — Themchat relation, pray? 

Mrs. C. — (Simpering) — I am his wife. 

Ker. — (Falling back on sofa) — Heavens and earth — (busi- 
ness of being ove7^come) — Charley's man was right, I 
should have taken a little something. (Aloud) — Well, 
this is the biggest staggerer I have ever had in my 
life. No offence to you, you know. 

Mrs. C. — (Frigidly) — Quite so. 

Ker. — But really it is too absurd to marry a lady of 
your age. I beg you will acquit me of any wish to be 
rude . . . 

Mrs. C. — Oh, certainly. 

Ker. — But there must have been something about you to 
captivate a man like Charles Shackleton, though 
where it is goodness knows ! I don't intend this un- 
kindly. 

Mrs. C— Oh, no ! 

Ker. — Perhaps you were a beauty when you were 
younger — you perceive I possess a certain amount of 
delicacy. . . . 

Mrs. C. — Any one could perceive that. 

Ker. — Just so. ) 

Mrs. C. — Certainly. ^ Aickwardly. 

Ker. — Of course. ) 

(Pause.) 
Now I think we'd better cliange the subject. 

Mrs. C. — If you wouldn't mind. 

Ker. — Now, with regard to your extravagance, you're 
simply ruining that bov. 

Mrs. C.—(Half in tears)— Am I ? 

Ker. — You know you are. Now, you know it won't do. 
If you were a young and giddy girl, which you are not, 
you admit that? 



28 "JANE." 

Mrs. C. — I admit that. 

Ker. — There might be some excuse for you : but what do 
you want witli showy dresses, jewellery, plays, parties, 
at homes, and things, at your time of life 'i 

Mrs. C. — {Reduced to absolute misery) — What, indeed? 

Ker. — (Taking Iter Itand) — Come, now, you speak like a 
sensible old lady. There's time, even for you. to pull 
up. {Sentimentally) — I may have appeared harsh to 
you. 

Mrs. C— Xot at all. 

Ker. — I hope not, I hope not — but I may — but let's say no 
more about it. 

Mrs. C. — I have not said anything about it yet. 

Ker. — {Rises) — You have not, and it shows your common 
sense. But I'll never say another word to hurt you — 
1*11 just see Charley and tell him what an ass I tliink 
he must have been to marry such a — V)ut there, tliat's 
going back to the old subject. {Crosses C.) 1 think 
we understand each other, we are friends, eh ? — 
{shakes hands with //er). 

fiRACK.— {Heard off)— Oh. is he there? 

Mrs. C. — {Rises quickly and crosses E.) — Tliere he is — 
{aloud) — oh ! I must leave you for a little while I — 
{aside) — oh, Charles, what I have suffered in trying 
to win you ! 

{Exit R. Enter SHACK. C.) 

Shack. — {C.) — Ah, my dear okl guardian. I am delighted 
to see you I You are Mr. Kershaw, are you not ? 

Ker. — (jR. C.) — I am, sir. 

Shack. — You are looking well. 

Ker. — So are you, my boy. 

Shack. — Why shouldn't I ? Have I not everything in the 
world to make me liappy? A good home, plenty of 
money, and (except for her extravagance) a wife 
whom any man would adore. 

Ker. — {Dubiously) — Some men. 

Shack. — Any man ! At any rate, I adore her. {Goes L.) 

Ker. — Then it doesn't matter to anybody else, does it ? 

Shack. — {Comes C.) — Xot a bit. I can tell you, sir, I am 
the most envied man in England, possessing, as I do, 
a wife who is both young and beautiful. {Goes L.) 

Ker. — Is she, though? {Shack, comes C.) 

Shack. — You can easily imagine that for her sake — not for 
m.ine, so much — we get many invitations from some 
of the smartest people in London — which, of course, 
we have to return, you know ; and it costs money, j'ou 
know ; and she is extravagant in other ways, jou 
know ; and — er — and that costs money. Then there 
are other things, and they cost money. {Sits on 
sofa L.) 



"JANE." 29 

Ker. — But I suppose society won't run after her much 

longer ? 
Shack.— Why? 
Ker. — I should think another — well — another yenv will see 

the end of her popularity. 
Shack. — Bless you. she isn't in her prime ! 
Ker. — You,are quite right. She is not. 
Shack.— Ha ! ha ! you speak as if you had already seen 

her. (Rises.) 
Ker. — So I have. 
Shack. — (In astonishment) — You've — oh no— she's been 

out shopping with me all the morning. 
Ker. — Not nil the morning — (Goes down L.) — I tell yon 

I've seen her — (S/iack. goes up to fireplace and rings 

hell) — and rated her soundly, and I ain bound to jay 

she's a very sensible old lady ? 
Shack.— O/c? lady. Why, she isn't five-and-twenty ! 

There's so.nie frightful mistake somewhere. 

(Enter ^XU. hi AM C.) 

Has any one called ? 
William— No, sir. 
Ker. — Did I not see and speak to Mrs. Shackleton just 

now ? 
Wihiji AM— (Winking at Shack.)— Of course you did. sir. 

(Aside to Shack, as Ker. goes L. nibbing his hands 

with satisfaction at being right) — It's all right, sir, 

I've arranged it. 
Shack. — (In despair) — Have you? So have 7. (Comes 

douvi R. C. ) 
William— Oh, Lor ! 

Ker. — (Conies C. a /lYfZe)— Where's your mistress? 
William — My which, sir? 

(Enter Mrs. CHADWICK R. comes to R. of table 
R. Music.) 
Mrs. C. (Lovingly to Shack.) — k\\, Charley dear, back at 

last ! 
Ker.— There you are — there's your wife (Goes L.) 
Shack. — (Looking blankly at Mrs. C. and pointing to her) 

— Nothing of tlie sort, this is a hideous mistake ! 
William — (Aside to Shack.)— Dont give it away, sir ! 
Mrs. C. — (Across table aside to Shack.) — We've arranged it 

all beautifully between us. 
Shack. — Be quiet, woman, you ^renot my wife ! (2Irs. C. 

shrieks and faints in chair R. of table R.) 
Ker. — Not your wife ! 
Shack. — No ! 

(William is doubled npvith laughter at the situa- 
tion L.C. behind settee, so as not to mask 
door.) 



30 



lAX 



Ker.— (Coining a little fricdnJ)— Then you haven't got a 
wife, you rascal I 

(William is still convulsed.) 

(Enter JANE C. handsomely dressed as Mrs. 
Shaeldeton, followed by CLAUDE. Williavi 
sees Jane and is transfixed mith astonishment 
at hack.) 

Shack. — Yes, I have. (Meets Jane, takes her Jiand, brings 
her down C.) This is my wife ! 

Jane bows to Kershaw. Shack, looks delighted. 
William gives an unearthly groan and falls sense- 

les.s. 
Claude runs and catches him. 



Claude . 
Willi a:\l 



Shack, and Jane. 



Mrs. C. 



Kershaw. 



Quick Curtain. 



Second Picture. 



Mrs. C. 

in clutir R. 
of table R. 



Jane and Kershaw 



Shaking hands. 



li 



Back to back. 
Claude drinking 
out of decanter. 



JANE." ' 31 



ACT II. 
SCENE— Same as Act I. 

Table arranged C. for lunch, for three persons, &c. Music 
to take Curtain up. 

WILLIA^I discovered brooding in chair R. of table C, 
loith table knife in hand, very pale and haggard, 
CLADUE places claret jug on table and, admiring 
effect, stands L. of table C. 

Claude— There ! Ain't it lovely ! Upon mj- word I seem 
to take a extra pride in the place now 1 know master's 
married. 

{Comes down to front of table.) 

Don't you, William? {William groans.) Oh, what's the 
good of carrying on ? She was too good for us, ^^ illiam. 
She was born to look down on sich as you and me. 
But it's a wonderful world, ain't it? If master hadn't 
married her it would have been quite a toss up which 
of us she'd have had. ( Turns and finds William j^o-ss- 
inn knife across his throat. Claude takes knife aicay 
from him and imts it on table.) Don't, William. I've 
iust cleaned that knife. {Goes up L.) Be calm hke 
iam. {Turns L.C.) I've lost her. {William rises, 
takes knife off table and runs up after him. Behind 
table— Ciaude rushes up to C. door, crying out) Help ! 

{Exit C. hurriedly.) 

\\ilAAx^i— {Tragically comes C.)—l believe I'm being 
worked up to commit the most frightful crimes ! And 
that bov shall be the first to go ! He'll be good practice 
for me.' Oh, is this to be the end of our married life? 
{Comes down R. to table and jnds knife back.) Hang 
it, the end has come before the beginning. Again, all 
the suspicion that I used to have about master before 
I was married comes up before me. She was some 
time in the situation before I came— that kiss he gave 
lier— Oh! lor. And yet why has she married me? I 
must find out whether I am to consider myself a mar- 
ried man at once. {Is in front of table.) 

{Enter JANE C, dressed as at end of Act I., except 
hat.) 

Jane — W^illiam ! 

Wii.oa:i— Well, Jane ? ( Without turning round.) 



32 "JANE." 

Jane — How dare you address me in that waj^ sir ? (Comes 
doini L.) — Remember that I am yovir mistress. 

William — Oh ! I thought yqn was my 

Jane — William ! 

William — (PatJieticallij) — Well, you are, ain't you? We 
was married this morning, wasn't we ? If not, dispel 
tlie illusion before it becomes a settled conviction with 
me. 

Jane — Of course we were, stupid, but I ve made arrange- 
ments with master. 

William— Oh I (In horror.) 

Jane — Hold your tongue ! You know he's got to produce 
a wife to Mr. Kershaw — well, I am his wife. — (Slight 
stagger of William) — for a f(^w hours — don't you see ? 

WiLLL\M — (Recovers himself quicldij, as if seeing if all, and 
comes to her a little) — Oh, then this is only a little 
game of yours all the time ? 

Jane — Of course, stupid ! 

WiLi.iAM— I see ! But why didn't you let me know? 

Jane — I hadn't an opportunity — (Sits on sofa L.) 

William — (Coming to her) — But what are we going to get 
out of it ? 

Jane — }Mien he gets out of it, we'll stand in ivhaf he gets 
out of it. 

William— Suppose the governor was really to get fond of 
you? 

Jane — (2Tusing) — That s possible. 

William — I should have to stand by and look on all the 
time. 

Jane — Xo, you wouldn't. 

William — What do you suppose I should do, then ? 

Jane — (Looks up at him) — Nothing! I should send you 
out of tliP! room. 

AViLLlAM — Woidd 3'ou, by jingo ! 

Jane — Oh, don't worry about it, it's all right ; it's all for 
the sake of our milk-walk that's as good as bought, for 
I'm to have £100. These dresses and jewels, too, will 
be worth something. He'd never think of taking 
them back after it's all over. 

William — But does it seem quite respectable, Jane? 

Jane— Don't worry, I tell you. Why can't you trust me ? 
In the meantime, remember I love j'ou. (Gushingly. 
Tlien altering her tone.) And now — (langiiidlij pidi ing 
her feet upon sofa) — William, bring me a glass of 
sherry. 

William— Well, this fairly takes the (Goes to table C. 

and pours md two glasses of sherri/.) 

Jane — How eas}^ it is to be the ladj^ when you've got 'em all 
on. Do j'^ou hear me, William ? 

William — (Amused) — Oh, certainly, mum. 



"JANE." 33 

Jane — If I don't have my picture took in this frock, my 

name ain't Jane. (William hands sherry, she tastes 

it. ) H'jn ; not very dry, I must have some better 

than this. 

William — Oh, I've always found it right enough. (Tosses 

a glass off quicMy.) 
Jane — William, now, once for all, drop it. Do 3'ou hear ? 
William— Shan't. 

(Shackletoirs voice heard off C.) 
Shack. — Come along, Mr. Kershaw. 

{William hurriedly goes to sideboard and puts 
down glasses. } 

{Jane rises unth dignity «s SHACK, and KER- 
SHAW enter C.) 

Jane — William, you will leave at the end of your month. 
(She Grosser, jyoni L. to R. icith very grand airs as they 
coone down.), 

{Enter CLAUDE C, tcith fish in entree dish, 
plates and sauce tureen on hutler''s tray, 
pids it on trestle beside sideboard L.) 

Shack. — (Laughing) — What's he been doing, my love? 

{WiUiam comes doicn, j)uts two clean sherry 
glasses on table. ) 
Jane — {Waving them to their seats — sits R. of table C.—V^^e 
won't discuss it now. It will not be very entertaining 
to Mr. Kershaw, darling. 

{Shack, sits C. of table facing audience.) 
William — (Aside) — I'll love and darling them, presently. 
Ker.— On the contiTiry, my dear madam — it's most inter- 
esting to learn that London servants are as great a 
cui*se as those in the country. {To William, u-ho is 
handing him achair L. of table) — I hope you'll under- 
stand that I've no wish to hurt your feelings. (Sits L. 
of table.) 
William — (In suppressed i^ge) — Certainly, sir ! (Goes up 

to sideboard and gets p>lcdes.) 
Jane — I don't know wliere to get a really good servant 
now-a-days. They all Avant to marry above their 
station. 

(WilUani comes dozen with plates to R. of Kcr- 

shaif, u-hose hands are on the table: II U- 

liam,, u-hile bringing them douni, handles 

p)lates as if they were very hot. 

Ker. — But still I tliink London servants are not so careless 

as (Wdliam, gazing at Jane with astonishment, 

puts hot plate on Kcrslmw's hands.) 
Oh! (Bus.) 

3 



34 "JANE." 

Jane— I must apologise for him, Mr. Kershaw, {WUliani 
gives j^late to ShacMeton' and Jane.) He's a good 
fellow enough, but he is so stupid. 

Shack. — Yes, William is a bit of an ass. you know. 

Claude— (^^ hack)— Hal ha! ha! 

{William threatens him, he S2ibsides and exits C. 
Willia m fetch es fish . ) 

Jane — Will you take a little sherry, Mr. Kershaw? (Ker- 
shaw helps liimself and 2:>nts decanter over to Jane.) I 
can recommend it. 

Shack. — (Slyly) — Have you tried it, dear? 

Jane — (Taking decanter and helping Jierself)~Otten I— 
(Shackleton la ughs. ) 

(William hands fish to Kershaw L. of him.) 

Ker. — Oh, by the way. c!on"t forget tluit you promised to 
tell me about that eccentric old lady who said she was 
your wife. 

Shack. — (Aside, as William goes round and hands fi.sh to 
Jane) — I knew he'd ask some deuced awkward ques- 
tions. (Aloud) — Oil, I suppose it Avas some nonsense 
of yours, wasn't it, Wilh'am ? 

William — (Astonished, whilst Jane is helping herself) — 
Mine, sir? 

Shack. — (Giving him the tip) — Yes, yours. (Aside) — Say 
yes. 

(Jane threatens William with spoon u'iih which 
she is helping herself.) 

William— Goes round toL. of Shack., and says as if a little 
puzzled) — Yes, it was some nonsense of mine. (Hands 
fish to Shack.) 

Shack. — (Quite pleasantly) — Well, what did you do it for? 
— (Helping himself.) 

William — I haven't the slightest idea, sir ! 

Shack. — You did it to helpine, didn't you ? (Aside)— ^?i.y 
yes. (Jane threatens him icifh her fish knife.) 

William — Yes, sir: I did it to help you. (Goes to side- 
board for sauce.) 

(Enter CLAUDE C. with entree and three plates 
on butler's tray.) 

Jane — You see, my love, that comes of letting servants 
know your business. I've told you about it before. 
( William comes down to Jane u'ith .muce.) You know 
what a fool William is. William, sauce to your mas- 
ter. ( William makes a movement of rage. Jane 
glares at him as he is handing sauce to hei^ — with 
meaning.) No sauce to me! (William goes back to 
sideboard and put f< sauce boat down.) 

Ker. — (Persisting) — But who was the lady ? 



"JANE." 35 

Shack. — {Quite collectedly) — Oh Ah ! William, who 

luas the lady ? 

{William takes no notice. Claude prods him ivith 
a fork. ) 

Claude — Master's speaking to you. 

{William kicks Claude and comes down to Jane.) 

Jane — William, when you ai'e disengaged, perhaps you'll 
answer this question. 

William — {Going to blurt out) — Oh, it was Mrs. Ch 

Shack. — {Hurriedly interrupting Willia^ii) — You see, Mr. 
Kershaw — {William takes Jane and Shack. 's plate 
away and goes up to sideboard. Claude comes down 
and gives Jane and Shack, clean plates, then goes up 
to sideboa7'd) — this is how it was. My little woman 
there was out of town, and knowing that you wislied 
to see her, and not knowing that I had wired to her to 
come home to-day to meet you, and not knowing that 
she had got the wire, he, somehow, thinking that you 
wouldn't like it if j'ou didn't see some lady, in an 
excess of zeal introduced the other lady. 

Ker. — {Sticking to it) — And who is she? 

Shack. — {Quietly) — William's wife. 

{William L.C. at back drops two plates on floor ; 
they smash. Shack, and Ker. turn and look at 
William, icho is standing transfixed looking at 
them. ) 
Jane — William, that'll be stopped out of your wages at 
the end of your month ! {Claude picks up part of the 
broken plates.) 
Ker. — Serve him right, careless fellow ! So the lady he 
introduced was his own wife. That was very tliought- 
ful of him. {William is picking up broken plates, and 
humors the business to make it last.) 
Jane — Oh, yes, William is like that. I can assure you 
with all his faults, he would sacrifice ever3^thing for 
2is. Wouldn't he, dear ? {To Shack.) 
Shack. — {Earnestly) — As a faithful hound. 
William — {Rises unth broken plates, aside) — Oh, I'll pay 

'em back for this. 
Ker.— So she is your wife, William, eh? 

{William comes doicn icith entree to L. of Jane. 
Claude brings clean plate doivn to Ker. and 
takes dirty one aicay.) 
William— (^ little irritated, R.) — I leave it to you, sir. 

{Jane threatens him.) Oh, yes, sir ; she's my wife. 
Ker. — I w4sh I could congratulate you ; for of all 
the — well, you — but of course beauty is a matter of 
opinion. 

{William hands entree to Shack. L. of him.) 



36 "JANE." 

William — Oh, quite, sir ; how should / know anything 
about beauty ? {As he is coming from Shackleton to 
Kershaw he sjjeaks this, glaring at Jane) — Why, lor', 
I daresay if 1 icas married to a good-looking girl I 
shouldn't keep her for long. 

(Comes round to L. of Ker. and hands him entree.) 

KER. — {Severehj) — You'd have to keep her for life, sir, 
whether slie were pretty or not. You really must not 
go about the world passing off your wife as somebody 
else's. She's not a beauty, but she is yours; it's a 
great pity, but you'll have to put up with it. 

William — (Severehj) — Have you finished, sir? (Meaning 
liis harangue.) 

Ker. — (Refusing entree) — Not any more, thank you. 

WliAJ.AM.-^(Severehj) — Thank yon, sir. 

(Claude removes dirty plates from Shack, and 
Jane. Claret poured out. William gives 
clean plates to Jane and Shack. Claude 
hands sweets to William.) 
'Kem.— (Drinking u'ith enjoyment)— Ah, that's good ! I'm 
beginning to feel better ! Wliat's going on in Lon- 
don ? Anything worth seeing ? I should like to enjoy 
myself this evening ! 
J A-ii-E— (Pointing to sweets which William has in his hand 
— William comes down to L. of Ker.) — William, a tart 
for Mr. Kershaw ! 
Ker. — No, thank j^ou : no sweets. 

(William offers sweets to Shack. He refuses. 
Jane beckons him to bring them to her — lie 
glares at her and tinms away and goes up to 
sideboard.) 
Charlev, my boy, your health. Mrs. Shackleton, may 
I?' 
Jane — With pleasure. (They are about to drink!) 
Ker. — (Suddenly) — Oh ! And the dear child's health ! 
(He drHnks, and Shack, and Jane pause with glasses 
in their Itands, looking at each other.) 
William— (Af back) — That's a corker for them. 
Ker. — Oh, to be sure, I've quite forgotten. My dear, for- 
give me. I /lai'eji'^ asked after the dear child. (Con- 
sternation.) 

(Exit CLAUDE with tray.) 

Shack. — (Recovering himself) — No, of course you haven't. 
Ker. — How silly of me I To put my foot in it like that. 

(Leayis over table, speaking to Jane, and puts his L. 

arm along tlte edge of tahle.) 
Shack. — Jenny will never forgive you for this ; will you, 

Jenny? 



"JANE." 37 

Ja-ne— (Recovering)— 'Never. You naughty man, I'll pun- 
ish you now— {patting his R. hand, which is across 
table, with a spoon) — for you shan't see it. 

Shack. — Ha, ha ! No, you shan't see it. 

Ker.— Oil, I must, my dear, I must. {Half hides his face 
in his hand, bending his head down.) 

Jane— No, I"m so hurt that you positively— (J?/. ses, leans 
across table, and pats Kershaiv's head ivith spoon) — 
slian't see it at all. Shall lie, Charley ? 

Shack.— I think she's quite right, Mr. Kershaw ; and you 
don't want to he hothered with a kid. 

Ker. — {With politeness)— My dear, when a man makes a 
mistake, such as mine, and offends a young mother 

William — Oh, my stars ! 

Ker. — He deserves to be punished ! 

Jane— Very well, then, that settles it— {Picks floicer out 
of a bold in C. of table and throws it at him) — You 
shan't see it. {Kershaw picks up floiver.) 

Ker. — But wait a bit, for I shall — {Turns away L., pt^^t- 
ting flower in button-hole.) 

SiTACK. — {Aside) — He'll be very clever if lie does. 

Ker. — I will not go back to Cornwall till I have seen it ; 
and what is more, I sliall fine myself heavily, by mak- 
ing it a handsome present of money, which you must 
put in the bank for it. 

Shack. — {Aside to Jane) — Tliis is good enough. {Aloud) 
— Then for the good of the child Jenny i^elents — don't 
you, Jenny ? 

Jane — {Feebly) — Yes, I suppose I must. 

Ker. — {To IMlliam) — William {William comes dottm C), 
go and tell the nurse to bring the little one down. 
{Transfixed looks from Jane to S.) 

Jane — No, no ! You don't understand, Mr. Kershaw ; it's 
not in the liouse ! 

Ker. — Oh, I see ; out for a walk ! 

Shack. — Well, no ; that is, we don't know. Of course 
it may be. You see, this is one of my wife's little 
extravagances. 

Jane — Charley ! {Putting out her hand). 

Shack. — My iove ! {taking her hand) I promised to tell 
Mr. Kershaw the truth, but our little offspring 

\yiLLiAM-^(^i sideboard) — What ! ! 
{All turn.) 

Shack. — William ! 

William — {Recovering himself ) — Beg pardon, sir; forgot 
myself — thought the boy called me ! ( William puts 
things on tray.) 

Ker. — You were saying your little offspring 

Shack. — We were saying our little offspring 

jANE-*It's with its nurse ; it sliall be se>t for. 



3S « JANI-:." 

Kbr.— (Rises and comes clown L.) — That's all right. 
^ ) (Rise— aside to each other) — Is it? (They come 

bHACK. down, Jane C. in front of table, SJiack. R. of 

'^''^^^ ) her.) 

William — (At back) — They wish it was. 
(Bell rings loudlif off L. ) 
{William takes chair from back of table and puts it 
at writinq-table at back, cdso bowl of floivers ; 
clears table as quickly as he decently can.) 
Ker. — That may be the nurse M-ith the baby. 
Shack. — (R.) — Oh, no ; I don't think it is ! 
Jane — (R.C.) — Oh, no! she's such a gentle creature. 

(Violent altercation heard in the hall between 
Claude and a dun.) 
A Dun — (Outside) — I tell you I will see him. 
Claude — (Outside) — You can't. 
A Dun— (0«^sicZe) — I've had enough of this, etc., etc. 

Enter CLAUDE (running in with butler's tray in 
hand.) 
Claude— Oh, I say — (recollecting himself) — I beg your 

pardon, sir. 
Shack.— What's the matter? (R.) 

Claude — Here's a cove from the livery stables called for 
his money, and he says he won't go away till he 
gets it. 
Shack. — Then you'd better ask him to sit down for a day 

or two. 
Claude— Yes, sir. 

(Claude puts tray on trestles at back, and exit C.) 

Shack. — (Aside to Jane) — This will help us a bit ; back me 
up now. (To Kershaic) — There you see, sir, more of 
my wife's extravagances. 

Jane — Oh. Charley ! 

Shack. — Now, my darling, Avliat did we promise our- 
selves ? To tell Mr. Kershaw the whole truth. This 
is the kind of thing I have to endure every day of my 
life. Tliis is the fifth person who has called for his 
account to-day. The place is full of bills, I have bills 
all over me — for articles that I have never heard of — 
never seen. 

Jane — ( Tearfully) — Oh, Charley, how can you say so ? 

Shack. — My dear, the truth must be told. (Goes up R., 
takes cigarette oid of box on cabinet R., lights it, and 
sits on arm of chair up R.) 

Ker. — (Rises and goes to her) — Well, my dear, at the risk 
of appearing unkind, I must tell you, that although 
you are perhaps the most delightful little woman in 



"JANE." 39 

the world you have by j^our criminal extravagance 
simply ruined and blasted that fair young life. {Ker- 
shaw points to Shack., wJio is very quietly smoking 
cigarette. ) 

{By tJils time William has cleai'ed table of every- 
thing hut tablecloth, and exits luith trayC.) 

Jane — Oh, I know — I know, I see it now ! Oh, Mr. Ker- 
shaw {throwing her arms round his neck) what a 
miserable thing I am. {They both back and sit on 
sofa L. ) 

Ker. — {Soothing hsr) — You are, dear ! you are ! 

Jane — Oh, if I had a friend like you to guide me ! 

Kek. — {Rather liking it) — Yes. I wish you liad, dear. 

Jane — To think tliat I have brought him to tliis. {Half 
turns to look at Shack., ivho is still quietly smoking.) 
Look at him now — pale, liaggard, shattered in body 
and mind--and all through me — through me. — (Sob- 
bing violently on Ker.'s bosom.) 

Ker. — There, there, we mustn't be too hard on you, Uttle 
woman. 

■Jane — Oh, don't, don't! 

Ker. — We must see what can be done. 

Jane — (Recovering) — Oh, thanks — (Trying to get aicay). 

Ker. — Don't move, unle.ss you feel stronger. 

Jane — I'm better now. 

Ker. — J don't mind sitting like this. 

Jane — Oh, you are too good — (Disengaging herself.) 

Ker. — Not at all. And now let us thoroughly discuss the 
matter. 

{Creditor in passage shouting.) 

Cred. — Ain't I to 'ave no answer agen to-day ? 

{Enter WILLIAM C. u'ith bill— gives it to Shack, 
and begins folding tablecloth at table C.) 
(Jane rises and comes C.) 

Ker. — {Rises) — We had better settle with this man at once. 
It's for carriage hire, isn't it ; how- much is it ? 

Shack. — (Has come down R. Aside to Jane) — Twenty-five 
pounds fourteen (Bus. ivith Jane and Shack, to- 
gether. ) 

Jane — Fifty-two pounds, eighteen shillings, and four- 
pence. 

Ker. — (A little staggered) — Was this by the hour? 
Crosses to R. C. Shack, takes chair from R. of table 
and puts it R. of fireplace. William, having folded 
tablecloth, lets down R. leaf of table, pushes it R., and 
puts chair L. of it.) Well, I haven't got it about me. 
But I will be responsible. 

{Jane crosses and sits on sofa.) 



40 "JANE." 

Ker. — William, tell the man downstairs that his account 

will be settled to-morrow. 
William — I've told him that already, sir — and he said, 

•' Chestnuts.'' 
Ker. — Yes, my dear {to Jane), for your sake it shall be 

done. (Crosses and sits beside her.) 
J AiSiE— {Sobbing on Ker.) — My only friend. 
William — {Aside) — Oh, she's takin' the old 'un on now. 

(Aloud) — I beg your pardon, sh', but 

Shack. — (i^.C btj Jireplace) — William, don't you see Mr. 

Kershaw is busy with your mistress. 
W^ILLIAM— Yes, sir {aside, sJiaki)ig Jiisjist at Ker.), I'd like 

to be busy with Jiim. 

(Exit WILLIAM C.) 

Ker. — And now, my dear children, to business. Now let 

me know the worst. How much do you owe? (Takes 

out pocl-et-book for memoranda, etc.) 
Shack. — (O.) — Well — er— at a rouji,li guess, I should say 

about — er — um ! {To Jane. Gradually gets round 

back of settee and L. of Jane.) 
Jane — Well — er — yes, dear, I should think about that. 
Ker. — W^ell — we'll put it down at that — (icrites). How 

much did you say ? 
Jane — (Rather forgetting the character) — I suppose a 

thousand wouldn't Imrt you? (Shack, L. of Jane 

nudges her.) \ 

Ker.— (.Sm'j)r2.s-ef7)— What ? 
Jane — (Hurriedly) — I mean a thousand kindnesses such as 

tills would never be too many — to — er — ask — of — a gen- 
erous heart like yours. 
Ker. — (Cliucking her under chin) — Never be too many if 

you asked me. 
Shack. — (Aside to Jane) — After that make it another five 

liundred. 
Jane — Yes, I suppose we owe about fifteen hundred 

povmds. 
Ker. — (Quietly) — Yes. (Putting it down.) 
Shack. — Seeing Ker. takes it so quietly leans over Jane.) 

— From that to two thousand. . 
Ker. — Well, we'll see what can be done. 
Jane — ( Winks at Shack.) — There may be one or two items 

that we've forgotten to mention, to the amount of, a 

hundred or so. 
Ker. — ril'see to all that, I suppose it wouldn't be more 

than say 

Jane — (Quickly)— Oh, certainly not more than another five 

hundred ! 
Shack. — (Aloud) — Oh, certainly not more than that. 
(Ker. rises and goes E. C.) 



"JANE." 41 

Jane — (Aside to Shack.) — How much do I get out of this? 

Shack. — (Aside) — Shut up ! — (Goes up to fireplace and 
rings bell. ) 

Ker. — Well, my dear, as you have placed your affairs — 
(comes C. ) before me in so straightforward a maimer, 
I have only to say that all shall be put right. (Goes 
up C.) I'll go to the city and see about raising the 
money at once. And I must get some for myself ; but 
mind, no more extravagances, you little puss. (Comes 
to her.) I think I deserve a kiss. 

(Enter WILLIAM C— leaves door open C.) 

don't I, for all this ? 
Jane — Oh, yes, you darling ! (Kisses Ker.) 
William — (Roused— comes down jR.C)— Gently does it, old 

cockeywax. 
Ker.— William ! 

Jane — William, you forget yourself ! 
V^iiAAAM— (Trying to he caZm)— Did you ring, sir? (To 

Shack. ) 
Shack.— Mr. Kershaw's hat and stick. 
William— (inY/?. intention)— With pleasure, sir. (Goes 

tip. arid exit C. ) 
Ker.— ((^oes7ip C.)— Now, my dear, this business won't 

take very long to settle, I hope. I must see the solic- 
itor, and then go to the city and arrange with the 

broker, and I must buy some"^ toys for the dear child. 

I shan't be more than an hour or so, at the most — 

(Enter WILLI AIM C. icith hat and stick.) 

(Comes down to Jane in front of settee) — and then we'll 

have a jolly evening all' together, won't we? (Takes 

her hands.) 
WiiA^i AM— (comes doicn heliind settee and puts hat hetiveen 

them ill front of Kershaic' s face) — Your hat, sir ! Ker. 

takes hat — William goes R.C.) 
Ker. — Good-bye, my dear ! (Kisses her.) 
Shack.— Give Mr. Kershaw the stick, William. (Turns 

away. ) 
Wii.i.iAM— Behind Ker. savagely raises stick) — I should like 

to — (Ker. turns and William hands stick very politely.) 
Ker.— Thank you, William — (goes np>) — you're a good 

fellow, William. 

(Exit C— WILLIAM also exit C.) 
Shack. — (Comes down R. ; directly he and Jane are alone, 

as she walks down he comes acr^oss) — Oh, you are a little 

brick, you managed him splendidly. By George I 

must kiss you. 
Jane — (Turns on him tvith dignity) — Mr. Shackleton, draw 

it mild. 
Shack. — I'm so gratefuL 



A2 '■JANE." 

Jane — Now's 3'our chance, then. How much ? 

Shack. — Houi much ? 

Jane — That's it. How much am I to get out of these thou- 
sands ? 

Shack.— To get? 

Jane — Yes, no larks ; name the figure. Tliis is business. 

Shack. — (Subdued) — Oh, certainly ! The £100 as agreed, 
of course — {Goes B.) 

Jane. — But I got you more than you expected, and I stand 
in. 

Shack. — Oh, no, a bargain's a bargain, and this is business. 

Jane. —Right you are, make it £200. 

Shack. — Nonsense, not me. 

Jane. — Very well, then — (goes up C.) — I'll go and take off 
all this gorgeousness — (turns B.C. iip stage) — and 
when Mr. Kershaw returns he finds me in my proper 
place. 

Shack. — No. 

Jane — (Comes down C.) — Then make it £200. 

Shack. — (Admiringly) — You're pretty smart. 

Jane— ( Winks) — Tlii n k so ? 

Shack.— Rather. (Comes C.) 

Jane — (Comes down C.) — Yes, I know my way about — so 
drop compliments — £200. 

Shack.— (Come.s to her) — It's a bargain — £200 — (Shakes 
hands and kisses her.) 

(Enter ^YllAAAM C.) 

William — (Comes down B. indignanthj) — Give me my 
wages up to to-dav, and I'll go. 

Shack. — Don't be foolish — (Goes down B.) — Don't you see 
it's all a joke '? 

William — Oh, is it? — (Very miserably.) 

(Jane laughs and sits on sofa L., leans back, listen- 
ing to the following dialogue much amused). 

Shack. — And I'm doing this for all our sakes, though your 
stupid blundering nearly spoiled everything. 

William — Oli, did it? 

Shack. — Of course we're not married, you know that. 

William— Oh, do I ? (Graducdly icorks up these ejacida- 
tions.) 

Shack. — I suppose it's not very pleasant to see your fellow- 
servant placed over you liketliis. but you needn't make 
a fool of yourself about it. it's only for a few hours 
now and things will come all right. (Is B. of table B.) 

William— Oh, will they ? 

Shack. — I consider Jane has acted like a perfect little 
brick over tliis — she's a clever girl, a pretty girl, an 
exceedingly attractive girl, though I suppose you don't 
think so ? 



"JANE." 43 

William— Oh, don't I ? 

Shack. — And if I were not already engaged I believe I 

should marry her in reality. 
'WiiA.iAM—{ShoiUing)~Oh, would yer ^—(Glares at Shack., 

who coolly surveys him in astonisliinent.) 
Jane — (..4s if recollecting somethiyig, swings herself round 

to a, sitting posture at the same moment) — Oli ! ! ! 
Shack. — (Turns) — What's tlie matter? 
Jane — (Rises slowly) — We've forgotten the baby ! 

{Shack, falls on table R.) 
Wir,LiAM— (ila?/ to Jane)—E.?i, ha ! That settles you. 
SaxCK.— (Indignantly) — William, leave tlie room. 

(William goes up and stands at door hesitatingly.) 
Jane — William, leave the room. 

(Exit WILLIAM C.) 

Jane — (Crosses to Shack., who is R. of table, she stands L. 
of table.) Wliy didn't you tell nie there was a baby ? 

Shack — I didn't kiiow it. 

Jane — Then how did the old gentleman know it ? 

Shack. — I suppose I must have written him that I had a 
youngster, but upon my soul I've forgotten ail about 
it. 

Jane — How old is it ? 

Shack. — I don't know. 

Jane — A boy or a girl ? 

Shack. — That I can't tell you. 

Jane — You're a nice father. How long have we been mar- 
ried ? 

Shack. — About three years. 

Jane— How old is it ? 

Shack. — I don't know. 

Jane — What are you going to do ? 

Shack. — I don't know. I rely on you to find a child. 

J A'S'E— (Almost crying, goes C.) — I can't. 

Shack. — (Coming C.")— You must — without the child the 
thing is not complete. Kershaw is not deceived. 
(Wildly) — Listen to me. No baby, no money. Now 
go, and remember you have to find me £200 worth of 
baby. (Goes R.) 

(Enter WILLIAM C. icith coal scuttle. Goes to 
fireplace, having left door open.) 

Jane — (Goes L. — heroically) — That's enough. I'll brave 
every danger. I'll find our child. (Comes C.) 

Shack.— Bless you for those words. (Comes C, takes her 
hand, they both go up C.) 

Jane — Now go and leave it to me. 

Shack. — (Embraces her at C. door.) — Farewell. 

« (Exit C.) 



44 "JANE." 

Jane — (At door, turning quietly to William) — How are 
you going- on ? 

William — (Comes cloum R.C.) — I'm all wrong to-day. 
{Comes down C. Jane goes to sideboard L., and at 
glass arranges hair, etc.) At eight o'clock this morn- 
ing I thought you was married to me, at twelve it 
seems that you are married to the governor. 1 have 
always considered Mrs. Ciiadwick a widow, but now 
she is my wife ! I used to think that Mr. Sliackleton 
— (Jane comes down L.) — was a bachelor; again I'm 
wrong, for he is married and got a baby. Oh, I am 
very wrong. 

Jane — (Crosses to him) — Oh, yes, you are to worry about 
things like this. Don't I tell you it's all riglit. 

William — (Goes down R.)—Oh, yes. I suppose it's all right. 
I see my wife kissed by young fellows and cuddled by 
elderly gentlemen, thafs all right ; the old female 
party is proclaimed to be my bride, that's all right. 
You've arranged to find a baby and announce it as your 
own, thafs all right. I can't stand much more of it, 
the end must come, and perhaps when the tomb has 
closed over me forever, someone will murmur — 
" What's the matter with William Tipson ? " 

Jane — {Has followed him, and as she spe((ks slajis him on 
back) — He's all right. Now promise that you'll keep 
it up until the old man goes back to-night. 

William— Will tliat be the end of it ? 

Jane — Oh, of course it will. 

William— Very well. I'll try and bear it till then. 

Jane — You'll have to. (Goes iq:) a little.) 

William — I hope you will make a good bit out of it. 

Jane — You leave tliat to me. (Comes down a little.) 

William — Not all of it, ducky. I must touch a little of it. 
But look here, Jane, there's one thing troubles me. 
About this child. 

Jane — ( Goes up C.) — Ah ! that reminds me, I must go and 
fetcli it. 

William — Don't you bring it liere. (Goes up R.C.) 

Jane — (Turns at door C.) — I shall, and if I have any of 
your nonsense I'll 

William— What ? 

Jane — Bring two! (Exit C. quickly.) 

William — (Staggers back and leans on back of chair at 
u'riting-table) — This is awful. (Looks miserable.) I 
must take a drink. (Goes to sideboard and is drinking 
u'hen Mrs. G. is heard outside.) 

Mrs. C— (Outside.)— Is Mr. Sliackleton in? 

William — Oh, she's here again. What does she want ? 

{Enter CLAUDE C, goes a little L.) 
Claude — (Confidentially) — Here's your good lady. 



"JAxNE." 45 

{Eater Mrs. CHADWICK and LUCY C.) 
William — Do you wish to see the master ? 
Mrs. C. — {Comes down C.—Liicy R.C. at back ) — Yes, I do ; 

I've come to demand an explanation. 
William — Well, mastei"'s out. 
Mrs. C— {Sharply}— I can't help that. 
Lucy — Aunt, dear, do try and be calm. 
Mrs. C— I won't {iceeping). I'll not be thrown aside in 

this manner. {Sits L. of table R.) 
C'LA.iJDE—{SymjxitheticaIly, near door C.) — Quite ri::;!il;, 

mum. William, you ought to be ashamed of yourself ! 

{William makes a movement toicards Claude.) 
Mrs. C.—{To Claude)— WhaVs the matter with you? 
Claude — Never mind — I know. William, gaze on your 

work. {William throws dinner roil, which is on side- 
board, at Claude.) 

{Exit CLAUDE C. quickly.) 
Mrs. C. — Is every bod}" gone mad in this house ? 
William— (Comes Z/.C*.)— Most of us, I believe, mum. 
Mrs. C. — Now am I to understand that that girl — what's 

her name — Jane — is married to your master? 
William— Of course she ain't. {Pulls himself up. ) Well, I 

don't know — I'm a bit doubtful. 
Lucy — {Comes down R.) — Tlien how dare he introduce her 

as his wife ? 
William — I suppose that is what he'd call his " fun '" — he 

is like that sometimes. 
Lucy — {Half crying and indignant) — It's too bad. I never 

thought Cliarley capable of such wickedness. I'll 

never speak to him again. {Goes up to fireplace and 

stands u'ith back to audience.) 
William — {Goes up C. — to Lucy) — You see, miss, this is 

how it was. Mr. Shackleton had to produce a wife all 

in a hurry, this morning, and if you had only done 

what he asked you — pretended to be his wife. 
Lucy — {Indignantly) — How dare you ? 
William — Well, it would have saved a jolly lot of trouble, 

that's all. {Comes down L.) 
Mrs. C. — I don't think it would have been a good idea at all. 
William — Well, you were read}^ enough to do it. 
Mrs. C. — {Rises, comes to him. Aside) — Silence, hold 

your tongue ! She doesn't know. {Goes doicii R.) 

{Enter KERSHAW C. with toy trumpet, doll, air 
balloon, and draicing horse and cart behind 
him.) 
Ker. — {Seeing Mrs. C. — Lucy comes down R. of Mrs. C.) — 

Ah, the would-be Mrs. Shackleton ! That wasn't a bad 

idea of yours — a — a — Mrs. {William gives him the tip.) 

William — {Aside L.) — Tipson. 

Ker. — (C.) — Ah, Mrs. Tipson! Preferred the master to 

the man — what ? 
Mrs. C— Sir ! 



46 "JANE." 

Ker. — Oh, fie ! fie . At your time of life, too. I wonder 

your husband allowed it ! 
Mrs. C. — My ivliat ! {William makes fi-antic signs io her.) 
Ker. — And this good fellow, I trust, treats you wt^Il ; and 

I've no doubt you are very comfortable together. (Mrs. 

C. speechless) Any family ? {Mrs. C. sJirirls and 

goes to Lucy) Evidenth'- not ! Ah, a tender point ! 
Lucy — (Soothing Mrs. C.) — Aunt, dear, don't tnke any 

notice of this — tliis rude old man. 
Ker. — Come, I say. William, speak to your niece. (Ker. 

crosses L. and William goes to tJiem^) 
Lucy— How dare you ? 
William — (Aside to Mrs. C.) — Keep it up. I said you 

were my wife. 

Mrs. C. — Upon my word I 

AViLLiAM — (B.C. pleadingly)— Oh, keep it up, lie's going 

away to-night. (Gives stage to Ker. as lie crosses and 

gets a little behind him L.C.) 
Ker. — {Crosses to Mrs. C. — to her) — And now let me tell 

you that I'ju very pleased with you, Mrs. — Mrs. 

William— (A.s' Z>t/o?T)— Tipson. 

Ker. — Ah, Tipsoii. (Lucy looks aghast— Mrs. C. at TVil- 

liam, who reassures her.) 
Ker. — It was very good of you to try and help my young 

friend out of his trouble. You made it a little bit worse 

for him certainly — but you did it for the best — and — 

{pulling out purse) there's five shillings for you. 

(Goes L.) 
AViLLiAM — (Hurriedly) — Keep it up. (Directly she takes it 

Wdliam takes it from her ; business and words to- 
gether. ) 
Ker, — I suppose your master and mistress won't be long 

now. (Sits on sofa L. To Mrs. C. and Lucy) — You'd 

better go before they return. Tell your wife to go, 

William. 
William — Yes, you'd better go. 
Mrs. C— I sliall not. 
William — (C. icith dignity in reproof)— Amelia ! (Points 

to door. ) 
Mrs. C. — Why you — (Turns to Lucy) — Did you hear that, 

Lucy ? 
Lucy — Yes. Aunt. (Crosses.) 
William — Well, what do you think of it, Loo? 
Lucy — (Comes C.) — If you insult my aunt — 
'WiiAAAM— (Aside to Lucy.) — Keep it up. Call me Uncle 

Billy. 
Lucy — (L. R. C.) — Ha, ha, ha! (laughing aside — then 

aloud) But what are we to go for ? 
Ker. — (L.) — Why, you see, it's going to be quite a little 

family affair. You know what they've gone for, don't 

you ? 



"JANE." 47 

Mrs. C.—(R.) and Lucy— (R.C^)— Who? 
Ker. — Mr. and Mrs. Shackleton. 
Lucy and Mrs. C— No — what? 

(William is up C. in terror.) 
Ker.— To fetch the baby. 

(Conster'natioH of Mrs. C. and Lucy.) 
Lucy — Oh, aunt ! — (Goes clown R. to her aunt.) 
'WiLL.ixM— (Aside) — But they can't find a baby, and it'll 

upset everything. I'd better prepare the wa}^ a bit. 

(Aloud — crossing doum L. to Ker., who is still seated on 

sofa L.)— hock: here, sir, the fact is I don't believe 

tliere is a baby. 

(Mrs. C. and Lucy together get a little up R.) 
Ker. — I tell you they've gone to fetch it. 
William— (To Ker.) — I assure you, sir, there is no child. 

And they thought it better that I should brealc it to 

you. 
Ker. — And they've asked you to do this? 
'WiiAAk'Si— (Eagerly catching the idea— Aside)— They 'II 

neverknow. I'll save everytliing. (Aloud) — A"es, sir, 

they did. And asked me to beg your forgiveness — 

that's why they've gone away, they couldn't face you 

without a child. 
Ker. — (Rises and crosses R.C. angrily) — Then they've 

utterly deceived me. 
(ilxjsic—Bell rings. ) 
William — (Goes doum. L. ) — Here they are, sir. Now you'll 

see if I am riglit or not. 
Ker. — (R.C. emphatically) — I'm disgusted— you heard 

him — lie said I should see his child. 
William — (With equal emphasis) — I say you won't. 

(Enter Jane and Shacl\ arm in arm. doum C. of 
stage — Jane icith child on her L. arm. Shack. 
2)oi7iting triumphantly to baby as theij come 
down. Williani gives yell and falls headfirst 
on sofa.) 

Quick Curtain. 



Second Picture, 



AVilliam lying on .9ofa. 
IMrs. C. and Lucy . Shack . 

Ker. dlowing Jan e slwicing l)(iby . 

trumpet rind showing hahj doll in chair L. of table looking at Ixiby. 



48 "JANE." 

ACT III. 

Scene — The Same. 

Furnihire arranged as in Act I. Armchair at fireplace is 
turned round. 

(KERSHAW'S overcoat on table extrrnie R. by door; 
clothes brush on cabinet R.) 

(SIIACKLETON discovered seated on seat round fireplace. 
He is in evening dress, with jacket, smoking cigarette.) 

SHACfe. — Well, I suppose things are coming all right nou\ 
But oh ! the worry of it ! And to think that after a 
genius like Jane had so skilfully arranged about the 
baby, borrowed it from a friend of hers, " for an ama- 
teur performance I am giving to-day,'' and then that 
imbecile William — {rises and comes down L.) — nearly 
spoilt the wliole thing by saying there wasn't a baby, 
the fool. And wliat on earth brought Lucy and the 
old lady here just at that particular moment ? The 
siglitof the youngster sent f/ie;/^ flying from the house, 
so I suppose it's all off between me and Lucy. (Goes 
up L. a little. ) 

{Enter KERSHAW R.) 

Ker.— (Co5»es C.)— Well, my dear boy, how do I look ? Tt 
never struck me tliat we might go to the theatre this 
evening, or i would liave brouglit my dress clothes. 

Shack. — Oh, it doesn't matter, but William might have 
lent you a suit. {Puts cigarette in ash tray on table L.) 

Ker. — All, don't you think you had better get rid of that 
man, William? Do you know, I begin to think he's 
a bit of a humbug. 

Shack. — No ! Whatever makes you think that ? 

Ker. — Why, all that nonsense about the baby. Why, I 
told you he said there wasn't one, you know. 

Shack.— Disgraceful. 

Ker. — And his wife backed him up. 

Shack.— Plis wi oh, did she ? 

Ker. — And so did his niece. 

Shack. — His ne (aside — going L.) — Who the devil's his 

niece? (Aloud, comes C.) — Oh, they're dangerous 
people to have about the place. But, you see, with 
regard to William, he's been telling so many lies to my 
creditors and other callers lately, that it's becoming a 
habit with him — he can't help telling them. , 

Ker. — Yes, but why say he'd never seen the baby ? 



"JANE." 49 

Shack. — Ah ! thafs when he spoke the truth — by accident. 
He never had seen it. 

Ker.— Oh, how's tliat? 

Shack.— (Aside— goes L. a little) — Oh, Lord, I wish he'd shut 
up. (Aloud) — Why, you see — er — fact is, j'ou know, 
my wife doesn't want it known that we have a child — 
funny fancy, isn't it ? But some women are that way, 
but we go to see it, you know — it's never been here be- 
fore. Of course you can't tell these things to servants, 
you know. (This sx)eecli nervously and hesitatingly.) 

Ker. — (Reflecting) — M'no ! No — (taking out icatch)- -I sup- 
pose there's no mistake about my being able to catch 
the 12 : 10 from Paddington to-night? 

Shack.— Oh, no ! (Goes L. Aside)— Vll see to that. 

(Kershaw goes up C. to look at clock on mantel.) 

(Aloud — turns) — But must you really go? 

Ker. — Oh, yes, my dear boy. I've nothing to keep me 
now. I've arranged that the money is to be handed 
over to 3^ou to-morrow, so don't trouble about that any 
more. And the first object of mj'^ visit is accom- 
plished. (Comes doini.) I've seen you, your charm- 
ing wife, and your baby that I've looked forward to 
seeing for the "^last two years. (Suddenly) — Wait a 
minute — it is quite two years since you wrote and 
told me it was born, isn't it? 

Shack. — (Aside) — Great Scott ! 

Ker. — It's very young for two years old, isn't it ? 

Shack. — It's two years ; besides, this isn't the one. Tliafs 
the other. 

Ker. — Which is the other? 

Shack. — The one — (Goes to Jiim)— The one at school. 

Ker, — At school at two years old ! 

Shack. — Yes, and getting on ver,y well. (Goes L.) 

Ker. — (Severely) — You never told me there were two. 

Shack.— Didn't I? It slipped my memory. (Comes C.) 
Oh, 5'es, the dear little thing is at school, another of 
my wife's fancies. 

Ker. — I'm beginning to think your wife is a very eccen- 
tric creature. However, I'm very glad I've seen this 
one. I shall send it a silver mug. I'll have it en- 
graved with its name. By the way, what is its name ? 

Shack. — (Aside in agony) — Christopher. 

Ker.— Eh ? 

Shack.— (^4Zo2t<:?) —Fred. 

Ker. — Your wife told me it was a girl. 

Shack. — Erica — Frederica. Always call her Fred for 
short. 

Ker. — (Doubtfully) — Yes, it saves confusion, doesn't it? 
(Goes R.) 

4 



CO " JANE." 

{Enter JANE L. in full evening dress, theatre cloak 
on her arm; comes straight to C.) 
Jane — Now, dear, are you ready ? Will you ask if the 

carriage has come ? 
Shack. — {Goes up to fireplace, amused) — Certainlj^ — (Rings 

bell.) 
Jane — {Comes L.C.) — Mr. Kershaw, may I trouble you to 

button my glove ! 
Ker. — {Comes to her and buttons her glove) — With pleasure ! 

{Enter CLAUDE C. Leaves door open.) 

Shack. — {At fireplace) — Is the carriage at the door? 

Claude — No, sir. 

Shack. — {Leans on bach of chair in front of fireplace) — Let 
me know when it comes. 

{Claude gazes sentimentally at Jane — sighs, and 
exits C.) 

Jane — Thank you, Mr. Kershaw. Won't you take a little 
something before we go ? 

Shack. — A glass of the old. {Coming doim R. of table.) 

Ker. — Thank you, I will. {Goes up to sideboard L. — helps 
himself. ) 

Jane — {Crosses R. to Shack, gives him her cloak. He helps 
her on until it, and she speaks ?/p at him) — The baby's 
in the other room, fast asleep, and Polly Pixton's com- 
ing for it at half-past seven — so we shall just get out 
in time, and I"ll leave word that she's to have it when 
she calls. 

Shack. — Good girl. (Arranging her cloak for her.) 

Jane — Thank j^ou, Charley, dear. (Looking up at him.) 

Ker. — (Coming L.C. a little, with glass of ivine in hand) 
— Now before we go, there's one thing I have to say — 
one thing I must insist on. I don't like this little one 
being sent away — I mean in the charge of strangers. 
It's too young, and requires a mother's care — do you 
understand? You mustn't let that child go away 
again. (Goes up to sideboard.) 

Shack. — Certainly not ; if you don't wish it. 

Jane — (Aside) — Then we must get awaj^at once. It's get- 
ting on for half-past seven, and Polly will be here. 

Shack. — Are you ready, dear? (Goes uj) a little R.) 

Jane — (Goes up to back C.) — Yes, I think i am all right. 

Ker. — (Admiringly, comes C. a little)— I should think so. 
No one would think that you were the mother of two 
children. (Goes back to sideboard.) 

Jane — (Staggering down C. a little) — How many ? 

Shack. — (R. of table breaking in) — Yes — ha. "ha ! (Ker- 
shaiv turns to them) — Fve told him, I've told him. 

Jane — (Awkwardly) — Oh, have you? (Ker. turns aivay 
from them.) That was very thoughtful of you 



"JANE." 51 

{Aside, glaring at him across table) — You might have 

mentioned it to me. 
Shack. — I couldn't. 

Jane — How on earth am I to know what to do ? 
Ker. — {Turns) — I hear he is getting on very w^ell. 
Jane — Is he ? Oh, I daresay. 
Shack. — {With intention as if giving her the tip) — Yes, at 

schooL 
Jane — Ah , at school ! {Aside to SJiaclc. ) — Would you mind 

telling me wJiO is at school ? 
Shack. — Our eldest. 

Jane — I haven't got to produce Jiim, have I ? 
Shack.— No, no ! 
Jane — That's all right — {Coming a little C. To Ker.) — Oh, 

yes, Mr. Kershaw — he's a very promising lad — he's won 

several prizes. 
Shack. — {As if to ivarm her)— Ah ! 
Ker. — {Comes down L.) — At two years old ? 
Jane — Oh, two! {pulling herself together.) Now, Charley, 

you know I didn't believe you when you told me — 

{goes to L. of table R.) — that he'd won all those iirizes. 
Shack. — {Playfidly pats her L. cheek with his R. hand) — 

I only said it to please you. 
J A^E— {Playfully pats him on R. cheek ivith her fan), — 

Bad boy ! Bad boy ! 

{Enter CLAUDE C.) 

Claude — The kerridge is come, sir. 

{Ker. crosses extreme R. ) 
Ker, — Then I'll put my coat on. 

Claude — And here's a young person wants to see Mrs. 
pertickler. 

{Enter Mrs. PIXTON C. She is a very mascidine, 
tall, common ivoman.) 

Jane— (4s ic?e)— Polly Pixton ! Too late ! 

Mrs. F.— {Quietly L.)— I've come for the baby. (C. at 
back.) 

{Shack, helps Ker. to put his coat on.) 

Jane— (Crosses L.) Hush ! {Mrs. P. looks at her in sur- 
prise. ) 

Mrs. F.— {Coming a little forivard)— Well, you are a 
swell ! 

Jane — Be quiet I 

Mrs. p.— You ain't been playing in the amachoor perform- 
ance, have you? {Ker. has coat on by this time, and 
Shackleton gets clothes brush from cabinet R. ) Wliere's 
baby V {Ker. turns. ) Pixton has been getting anxious 
^ about it, and wouldn't let me rest till I fetched it. 

Ker. — I suppose this is the nurse. 

Mrs. p. — Oh, do yer? — dear me. 



52 "JANE." 

Shack. — {Commences brushing Ker.'s coat) — Of course ; 

this is the charming lady who comes to take the baby 

when we go out. ( Winks at Iter.) 
Mrs. p. — {Aside to Jane) — What's he talking about? 

{He winks again.) Ask him not to do tliat — Pixton 

wouldn't like it ; and you know what Pixton is when 

he's roused, 
Jane — (L. aside) — Take no notice. {Aland) — You must 

never take it away any more, my good woman. You 

can stay and mind it here till we come back. 
Mrs. p. — {Anxiously) — Look here, what do you mean? 

Where's the child ? There ain't no harm come to it, 

is there ? 
Jane— Of course not— the child is all right. In there, fast 

asleep — {Points to L. door.) 
Mrs. p. — {Aside) — There's something going on — (C) — 

Now, understand, I shan't go without it. You can't 

keep a child from its mother. 
Ker.— (i2.)— Its mother? 
Shack, — {R.) — Of course — Foster-moihev — {Turns Ker. 

round away from Mrs. P., and brushes hiyn again) — 

she's forgotten the foster. They get so fond of them, 

thev always think the children are their own. 
Mrs. P.— r/in?)j they're their own. I should like to hear 

you say that to Pixton. 
Shacx. — Who's he? 
Mrs. p.— Pixton's my husband, young man. And ^\\\o 

are you ? 
Shack. — Not Pixton— thank goodness. 
Mrs. p.— Oh. indeed ; that's funny, ain't it ?— {Speaks 

across table R. to Shack.)— '^ow, then, are you going to 

let me have that child ?— (Shack, is R.) 
Shack.— (No ! Goes vxj R. a little.) 
Mrs. p. — (Crosses to Jane, says deliberateiy) — Am I to 

have that child ? 
Jane — No ! — (Down L. and up L.) 

Mrs. p.— (Stalking up to Ker., who is R. C, speaks as be- 
fore) — Am I to have that 

'Ker.— (Going to shout)— N (not liking the look of her y 

subsides.) You heard what they said. 
Mrs. p. — (Goes up C. in a ichite heat) — Oh, very well — 

then there's only one thing to be done now. (At C. 

door) — You've brought it on yourselves — so don't blame 

me. 
Jane— (Co?7?es L.C.)— What are j'ou going to do? 
Mrs. p.— I'm going to fetch Pixton. 

(Exit Mrs. PIXTON C.) 
Shack. — (After slight silence, nervously brushes his hair 

u'ith clothes bmsh and sits in armchair at back R. C.) 

— Ha, ha ; silly woman, isn't she? 



"JANE." S3 

Ker. — Y — yes — she is very violent. 

Jane — I never saw her like that before. 

Shack. — (Eises) — She's been drinking. 

Jane — (Going up C.) — Well, we'd better get along to the 

theatre. 
Ker. — Yes, come along. — (They are going out C. when Ker. 

stops.) But you are not gohig to leave the child witii- 

out anyone to take care of it. 
Jane — (Indifferently) — Oh, it'll be all right. It's asleep in 

there. (Points L.) 
Ker. — (Returning, comes cloicn E.) — Is it? Then we 

won't go — we'll stay and take care of it. (Sits E. of 

table E.) 
Shack. — (Aside to Jane) — We shall never get the old man 

away. (Goes up to fireplace) — Yv^'illiara can look after 

it. (Eings hell.) 
Jane — (Quickly)— Ye9i, William shall take care of it. 

(Exits L. to fetch baby.) 
Ker. — Do you think he's fit to be trusted with it ? 
Shack. — What! William I — (Comes down to back of 

table E.) — I'd trust him with untold children. 

(Enter WILLIAM C, face pale and altogether 
looking miserable. ) 

William— (L. C. feebly)— Bid you ring, sir? 

Shack.— (E. C. at bac'k.)—YeH^ William ; my wife and I 

and Mr. Kershaw are going out, and the baby is — not 

to be left. 
William— (L.C. at back.)— Do you take it with you, sir? 
Ker. — Certainly not. You are to mind it. 
William— Me ! 
Shack. — ((roe.? to him)— Yes, you. (.4s::; r' )— Don't look 

so scared. 
William— (As-/.7« to Shack.)— Th\s is heaping it up too 

tliick. 
Shack.— (.-i.s?:de)— But look nt tlie coin. 
William— (.4.sid«)—l hope I shall. 
Shack. — (Goesback to back of tabic) — Xow. William, you 

must take the greatest care of it, and remember that 

it's niu'se, its foster-mother, who was here just now, 

is not to be allowed to take it away on any account. 

She has been most rude ; hasn't she, Mr, Kershaw ? 
Ker. — Oh, disgusting ! 
Shack. — And she is discharged — permanentlj'- discharged 

— so you must be a mother to it. 
W^illiam— (J?es/f://?ef?/?/) — Very well, sir. (Aside) — I hope 

I shall keep from strangling it. 

(Enter JANE L. with baby.) 
Jane— (^5 she comes in) — There's a little duckens. 



54 "JANE." 

Ker. — (Rises and comes in front of table) — What a pretty 
sight. Isn't it, Charley ? 

Shack.— Beautiful. Isn't it ? 

Jane — (To baby) — I don't like leaving the darling. 

Shack. — Oh, it's all riglit, dear ; William will nurse it. 

Jane — Will he ? {Gusliingly.) 

Shack. — Yes ; he's delighted. 

Jane — {Aside) — He looks it. 

Ker. — {Going up a little) — Then it's all arranged, and we 
can be off ? 

Shack.— (Goziig jR.)— Yes ; wait a bit, whilst I change my 
coat. {Exit R. ) 

Jan-e— (Going to William O.)— Here's the darling, Wil- 
liam ; take it. (Places it in William's arms. ) Be a 
father to it. (Crosses R. C\) 

AViLLiAM — (C. a little at back. Gazes at them ivildbj, and 
then bursts out) — No, I'm damned if I do. 

Jane — William, how dare you? (R.C.) 

William — Dare ! I dare! I've stood this game long 
enough, but when it comes to fathering this — I'll 
shoiv you what I dare. 

Ker. — (IJil(lhi) — Come, my good fellow. 

William — (Passionately, coming down L.C.) — You shut 
up — you mouldering old ruin. You've been the cause 
of this. 

Ker. — I have ? 

William — (Coming douni a Utile) — Yes, you — coming in- 
terfering : but wliat makes me mad is to think that 
if you hadn't I should have been none the wiser, but 
now I know all— ail ! (Sits on sofa L., glaring at 
baby. ) 

Jane.— (With authority)— Be quiet, William! (During 
the next sveech.es she gets back a little, so as to be close 
to arm chair for situation.) 

William — I won't — I say I know all ! 

Ker.— All what ? 

William— This child belongs to my wife. 

Ker.— What- the old lady ? 

William — No ; she's not my wife. 

Ker. — Then who on earth is your wife ? 

William — (Rising and pointing to Jane) — She is. 

(Jane screams, and falls on easy chair ujy R. Ker- 
shaw gives a shout of astonishment. ) 

Yv'illiam — (Pleased at the effect) — I rather fancy that's 

upset some of the arrangements. 
Ker. — But she is Mrs. Shackleton. 
William — No, she's not ; she's married to me. 
Ker. — (To Jane — indignantly) — I don't believe you're 

married at all. 



"JANE." 55 

Jane— Sir ! {Rises, comes down, and spreads certificate on 

table R., stands ivith severe look, facing audience, L. 

of table. Ker. sits R. of table R. and looks at it, and 

asks) — 
Ker.— What's this ? A marriage certificate. Who is 

Jane Reynolds ? 
Jane — I am — I mean, I teas. 

Ker,_I see you're described here as a domestic servant. 
Jane— Quite right, sir— I'm Mr. Shackleton's housemaid. 
Ker.— Very pretty ! 
Jane — Tliank you, sir. 
Ker.— I mean all these lies— now Mdiat did you do it for ? 

(Takes out notes.) 
Jane— £200 and arrears of wages. 
William— (Iv. with baby)— And now we've lost it all. 
Ker.— No, tell me the truth, and you shan't lose by it. 

(Holds tq) notes to them.) Now, tell me, honestly, is 

he married ? .^ ^^ ., i 

Jane— No, sir, he's not ; he ain't got no wife, that s wliy 

he got me to personate one. (Gives Jane notes, ichich 

Jane takes.) .-,.., ^ i -n o 

Ker.— In order to deceive me. And is that your cniid i 

(Jane looks at William, then at audience, and 
then at Kershaw.) 
Jane— (-SetvreZ?/)- Would you kindly look at the date of 

that certificate, sir. (Goes up.) 
Ker.— I beg your pardon. (Rises, comes C. to WiUiam.) 

Where did the child come from ? 
Jane— I borrowed it from my cousin. (Comes doicn R. 

of Kershaiv, and takes certificate off table.) The 

woman wlio was liere just now. 
Ker.— The Pixton woman ? 

Jane.— (i^.)— The same, sir. (Goes up R.C. a little. 
William— Three cheers for Pixton. 
Ker.— I begin to grasp it. . ^ , . , . s rp, 

William— ((7o77ies to him, placing baby inhis arms)— 1 hen 

you'd better take hold of it. (Returns to L. ) 
Ker.— Here, I say. 

(Shack, heard ivhistling off R. ) 

W^illiam— It's out of my hands now. Here's the gov- 
ernor—make him explain it if he can, and I think it 11 

settle him 

(Enter SHACKLETON R. jauntily.) 

Shack.— (ro Ja«e)— Now, ducky. 

J ^1,-E— Not so much of your ducky. (Goes up C.) 

Shack.— (i^. Looks astonished)— Eh? I'm all ready. 

Ker.— (I/.C. ivith babij)—So are we. 

Shack.— (G^oingr to Jane)— Then come along. 

LofC. 



56 "JANE." 

Jane — Oh ! (Backs aivay from him.) 

Shack. — (To Ker.) — Give the baby to "William. 

William— Not me. 

Shack. — What does tliis mean? 

William — (Extreme L.) — I've blown the gaff, governor. 

You heaped it up too thick on me ! flesh and blood 

couldn't stand it. 
(Goes up L. behind settee to Jane, who is C. at hack.) 

Ker. — I know all. 

Shack. — (To Jane and William, icho are together at hack 
C.) — You fools! (Goes down R.) Not one farthing 
do 3'ou get from me. 

Jane — (Flourishes notes)— Well, we don't want it — my 
husband and I. 

Shack. — (In horror) — Your what? Who is your hus- 
band ? 

William— (P?<fs Jane's arm through his) — I am we 

throw up our situations ; you can keep the arrears of 
wages. 

Ker. — No ; they shall be paid you, faithful souls. 

Shack. — Outside, faithful souls. 

William — We're going, sir — (Going up, turns) — No offence, 
but as soon as you can get suited 

Shack.— Go to the devil ! 

Jane — No. sir ; I go to my humble Avalk. 

William— Our humble milk-walk in life. 

Jane — Come along, William ; we haven't done so badly 
— (Flourishes notes, as they go he makes a snatch, she 
takes them away) — Not for Jane ! 

(Exeunt C.) 

Shack. — (Up R.C.. at back, near arm chair) — Look here, 
Mr. Kershaw, I c;vn explain a// this. 

Ker. — (Going upto hun)—Doirt you think that you've ex- 
plained a good many things to me already ? 

Shack. — Yes, perhaps you're right. 

(Sits on chair up R., in front of fireplace.) 

Ker. — So now, you understand, sir, that not one i)enny of 
that money do you receive. 

Shack.— What ! 

Ker. — No, and what's more, I'll commence proceedings to 
recover what you have obtained from me by fraud. 

Shack. — Fraud ! 'Listen to me. 

Ker. — Never. I'll go to my solicitor at once. 

Shack. — You can't. His office is closed. 

Ker. — Then I'll go to his private house. (Going up C.) 
Oh, you'll find I'm not to be trifled with. For the pres- 
ent, sir, good night. (Is going, u'hen he remembers he 
has the baby in his arms. Returns and places it in 
Shackleton'sarms.) Your child, sir. (Goes up again C.) 



"JANE." 57 

Shack.— (ibises and comes C.)— Here, what am I to do 

with it ? ■, ,. T / Tr 'J. ry \ 

Ker —Send it to school with the other fraud. {Ji^xit C.) 
Skack.-( Looking at haby, i^.O-Fve utterly rumed my- 
self this time. Lucy will prohably never speak to me 
a&ain. Jane and William are married— they have in- 
sulted me and thrown up their situations. Mr. Ker- 
shaw's going to prosecute me for fraud. I'm tlie 
acknowledged father of a child I've never seen before 
—and I've done it all in one day. ( Comes doum a little. ) 
It's wonderful what you can do if you try. {Loof^^ at 
haby.) Oh, Lord, it's going to cry. (C«?Zs) -William. 
(CroLes R. then L.-sliakes forefinger at baby)--^ow 
don't you begin on me. (Cai?s)-Willia.ii. Whats 
the right thing to do, I wonder? (C'a?/s)-Wilham. 
(Soothes haby)— There, there ! 

{Enter WILLIAM C.) 

William— (Comes doini C.)— Yes, sir. . 

HiiACK.— {Comes C. to him)— Just hold the baby a minute. 
W^iLLiAM- 1 won't deprive you of it, sir. 
Shack— Then you refuse. 

ShTck^^T^o^^^' '^')-There, don't cry. {To baby ; walks 
with it L. to R. and talks to Will^am)-Ilo^y long have 
you been married to Jane ? 

William— W^e was married this morning, sir. 

Shack.— Why didn't you tell me of it ? ( Extreme R. ) 

William.— (L. C.)— I haven't had a chance— we've all been 

SHACK.-^fie'.)— Well, go and tell Jane to fetch tliis baby, 

and take it where she got it from. 
William— I can't, sir— she's gone out with Mr. Kerslia\% . 
Shack.— Gone out with Mr. Kershaw ? {R.) . ^ . ^ 
William— Yes, thev've gone to the lawyer's private house 

to tell him all about your capers. ^, . i , 

Shack.— (6?oes C. pathetically)— ^^'illi'Am, take this baby 

home for me. . , , 

William— I don't know who it belongs to 
Shack.— Go and send Claude to me, perhaps lie knous. 

{Goes don-n R.) . . 

William— I shouldn't be surprised, sir. _^.^ ^ ^ 

SHACK.-I'd better inform the police. I wonder where 
Mrs. Brixton lives. I wonder if she's coming bac»^ 
{Suddenly remembering.) Of course, she s gone to 
fetch her husband. ^^^^^^^ CLAUDE C.) 

Shack.— Do you know anything about children ? 



58 "JANE." 

Claude— I'm the eldest of eight, sir, and mother goes out 

a-chariiig. 
Shack. — {Comes C. and gives Claude hahy) — Then you can 

be trusted to mind one for a few minutes. 
Claude — Are you going out, sir? 
Shack. — Yes, to the police station. 
Claude — Are you going to give it in charge ? 
Shack. — Yes, if they'll take the charge. 

{Exit R.) 

Claude.— {Stands looking after him)— He's a hot 'un— he 
seems to have broke it off with Jane. He's a regular 
Turk. {Sits on sofa L.) 

Enter Mrs. CHAD WICK, comes doicn C.) 

Mrs. C. — {Looks around) — Has Miss Lucy been here ? 

Claude — No, mum. 

Mrs. C— What are you doing with that child ? 

Claude — Minding it, mum. 

Mrs. C— WJio told you to? 

Claude— Master, mum. 

Mrs. C— Whose child is this? {Taking up hahy.) 

Claude — Can't say, mum. Is it yours? 

Mrs. C— Silence! 

Claude — You'd better put it down, mum. I can see it 

ain't yours by the way you handles it. 
Mrs. C. — Has its naughty mother been away all this 

time ! 
Claude — {Overhearing the last sentence) — Oh, then, it is 

hers. {Rises, goes L.) 
Mrs. C. — {Kissing it) — There, my precious. Do you know- 
where your master's gone ? 
Claude — To the police station. 
Mrs. C— What for? 
Claude — To give the baby in charge. 
Mrs. C. — Never. I shall take the child awa3^ {Going 

up C.) 
Claude — But wliat shall I say when they come back? 
Mrs. C. — Say what you like. {Stops at door.) No, I had 

better not be seen going that way with a baby in my 

arms. {Comes dozen C. and goes to door L. and looks 

off.) Where does this passage lead to ? 
Claude — The servants' entrance. 
Mrs. C— That'll do. {Exit with hahy L.) 
Claude — {Goes up L. to C. door) — I suppose it's all right. 

I was told to mind it. But they can't object to its 

mother taking it. 

(ExitC. Door left open. Enter SB.ACKhETO'^ 
R. Goes up C. ) 



"JANE." 59 

Shack. — I'm not going to wait any longer, and I can't 
face old Kershaw again. 

{Enter LUCY C.) 
Shack. — Lucy ! 
Lucy — Oh, Charley, dear, I'm so unhappy. I couldn't 

stop away from you. {They both go down R.) 
Mrs. p. — {Off C, loudly) — Now then ; where's that j^oung 

man ? 
Shack. — Hello! Here's the woman who will set me right, 
Lucy. 

{Enter CLAUDE C, being pushed on by Mrs. 
PIXTON, who flings him down L.) 

Mrs. p. — (Comes down C.) — Now then, are you going to 

give it up quiet ? 
Lucy — What a very violent woman. AVho is she ? {Sits 

R. of table R.) 
Shack. — My good woman, don't excite yourself. 
Mrs. p. — I only want my child, that's all. 
Shack. — {Turns to her C.) — Very well. 
Mrs. p. — Oh, is it ? Understand Pixton's down in tlie 

'all — {loudly and deliberately) — and we mean having 

our child. 
Shack. — {Shouting) — You shall have it. 
Mrs. F.— {Quietly)— Oh, that's all right. I thought Pixton 

would frighten you. Where is it? 
Shack. — Give the lady her baby, Claude. 
Claude — {Frightened) — It's gone, sir. {Coming down L.) 
All — Gone ! 
Shack.— Where? 
Claude — Its mother took it. 

{Consternation of Lucy and Shack. Mrs. Pixton 
shrieks, and goes to door shrieking " Pixton ! 
Pixton ! ") 
Mrs. p. — Now tliere'll be bloodshed, {Stands R. of door, 

looking very severe. ) 

{Enter PIXTON, a very meek and. mild little man, 
not more than 5 feet high if possible in tall hat. ) 

Pixton, be calm. Now mind what you do. Control 

your passion ! 
Pixton — {With mild assertiveness) — Oh, come, look liere, 

you know — this kind of thing won't do at all, you 

know. 
Mrs. p. — Be calm, Pixton. Tell them quietlj^ what Avill 

happen if they don't. 
Pixton — Well ; I shall liave to summons you, you know. 
Mrs. p. — {Flings him aside R.) — Bali ! Come out. 
Pixton — Yes, you arrange it, dear. {To Shack.) — AVe'll 

let you see. {Sits on arm chair up R.) 



6o «'JANE." 

Mrs. p. — (To Claude, shaking Mm uj)) — Now then, what 

do you mean by " its mother's got it " ? 
Shack. — Yes ; who's its mother? 
Claude. — Mrs. Chadwick. 
All— T17^o .? 

(Pixton rises.) 
Claude — SJie's only just gone away with it. 
Mrs. p. — (Seizing Pixton) — Come on. 
Pixton — Where are we going now ? 
Mrs. p. — To bring back that woman with our child. 

(Dragging him up C.) 
Pixton — But Ave don't know her. 
Mrs. p. — {To Claude) — Then you come with us, and point 

her out. 
Claude — No, I shan't. 
Pixton — (Comes doini to him) — Look here, young fellow, 

I haven't started yet, you know — but if I do 

(Claude shows figJd.) Well, I think you'll be rather 

surprised ; that's all. 
Shack. — Claude, no nonsense ; go with these people and 

find Mrs. Chadwick. 
Claude — But suppose she won't give it up, sir? (Goes 

UJ) L.) 
Mrs. p. — We'll see about that. (Goes to Claude and talks 

to him in dumb show.) 
Pixton — Ah, ice'll see about that. No woman shall keep 

my child from me. I'm not to be trifled with. I'm a 

husband, a father, and, I think I may add, a man. 

(Mrs. P. comes to him.) And standing here as I do 

(2Irs. P. catches hold of him) — 
Mrs. p. — O come along. (Going up C.) 

(Enter Mrs. CHADWICK, icith hahy L.) 

Mrs. C. — The area gate is locked (starts). 

Lucy — Auntie. 

Mrs. p. — There she is with mv babv. 

Mrs. C— Your baby ? 

Shack. — Yes ; give"^it to her at once. 

Mrs, C. — ^You wicked j'oung man, why j'ou know it's yoiir 

baby, and you're only trying to get rid of it. 
Mr. p. — (Dramatically, and pointing to 3Irs. C. ) Woman, 

do you hear this ? 
Mrs. p.* — Shut up. (Pixton goes hack R.C.) 

(Enter JANE, KERSHAW, and WILLIAM, who 
goes L.) 
Jane — What's the matter ? (Comes C.) 
Shack. — You can explain. Isn't that Mrs. Pixton's child? 
Jane — Of course it is. (Goes to 31rs. C. — takes baby.) 
Ker. — (R.C.) — You've actually spoken the truth at last. 



"JANE." 6i 

Jane — (Givesbaby to 3l7^s. P., ivJio isL.C.) — Here you are, 

Polly. {Goes down L. and upL. to William.) 
Shack. — (Crosses to Mrs. P. and gives money) — And here 
you are, Polly. 

{Goes back to E. to side of Lucy, who is sitting R, 
of table. ) 
PiXTON — ( Coming Mrs. P. ) — How much ? (Aside.) 
Mrs. p. — Two sovereigns. 
PiXTON — That's all right. 
Mrs. p. — Good-night. 

(Mrs. P. goes up C. Exit C. Claude goes up L. 

and exit C. Jane goes to William L.C. 

Pixton comes doivn to L. of table, and looks 

across at Lucy and Shackleton.) 

Pixton — If ever you should want anything in our way 

again, sir — (gives card) families supplied on shortest 

notice. 

(Hurries to door.) 
Good-evening. 

(Goes up C, turns and stands at door.) 
Good-evening, and if you should. 
Mrs. p. — (Arm is seen) — She pulls him away — (and says 
outside) — Oh, come on. 

(Pixton disappears suddenly.) 
Shack. — (To Ker.) — Well, sir, I hope jowc interview with 
your solicitor was satisfactory. I suppose I've about 
ruined myself. 
Ker. — (Comes down C. Mrs. Chad, sits on sofa L.) — I 

don't know — 
Jane — (Comes C.) — Oh, tell him, sir. (She looks at him 
sweetly. Ker. turns and smiles at her. Williain re- 
provingly brings her aicay from Ker.) 
Ker. — Well, then, I am informed it is still competent for 

you to marry and comply with the terms of the will. 
SuxCK.— (Going 2L23 to back of table L. of Lucij.)— But the 

money I have already had — am I to pay up ? 
Ker. — No ; you must marry, and at once ; and it will all 

be yours in five years' time. 
Shack.— (Indicating Lucy) — Allow me to introduce my 
future wife ! 

(3Irs. C. gives a, sigh. ) 
William.— (To 3Irs. Chad.)— Yes, it's a pity, and you have 

tried, too. 
Ker. — So it's William's niece after all ? 
Shack. — No — nonsense. Tha;t was more of William's zeal. 
(Introducing) — Let me introduce you — Miss Lucy 
Norton — Mr. Kershaw. 
Ker. — I congratulate you both. (Goes up a little.) 



62 "JANE." 

\NiiAAA.M— {Coming forward with Jane C.)— And so do we 

I'm sure, sir. 
Shack.^-— TJiank you, William — and by the way, the same 

to you and Mrs. Tipson. 
All — {Kershaw sits in arm chair by fireplace) — Mrs. 

Tipson. 
Jane — Oh, how funny it sounds ; I beg yonx pardon, but 

until I get used to it, would you mind calling me — 

Jane ? {She puts her head on William's breast, he puts 

his arm round her ivaist.) 



Curtain. 



12 1901 



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